Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   And in other news, Joe Biden claims that 150 million people have died from gun violence in the U.S. since 2007. I suppose that might explain the low unemployment numbers right now.

   I'm not giving up anything in particular for Lent. I'm just giving up...

   I didn't tie the knot until I was in my thirties... To this day, I still struggle with shoelaces!

   You can always tell someone's age by watching them get out of a car.

   I just saved a whole bunch of money on my car insurance by hacking into State Farm's main server and deleting the 4 DUIs.

   A good business strategy is to have a donut-shaped meeting room table that rotates around you at 200 rpm as everyone struggles to cling on and you sit in the middle, laughing

   Just caught my pecker in my zipper.. no more zip up boots for me.

   Windows installed an entire continent on my computer. When it finished, it told me "Europe to date."

   If there's enough room to spell 'bootylicious' on the back of your shorts, it probably isn't.

   [robbing a bank] accomplice: nice pantyhose me: thanks accomplice: on your face next time tho ok

   Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.

   There’s too much 3-D going on in theaters today. I miss 2-D. And come to think of it, I also miss Tootie from “The Facts of Life.”

   It's leap day tomorrow. This is God's way of punishing us by having Bernie and Nancy coming out as lovers

   I won't consider myself successful until someone follows me around with a cooler of gatorade to dump over my head whenever I win at anything.

   Just find out there’s no popcorn on popcorn shrimp. Guess there is no reason to try Pot Roast ‬

   Tom work hard. Tom tired. Tom need break. Tom book Caribbean vacation. Tom Cruise.

   You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.

   My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.

   i would not pray for you, nut below

   My farts don't stink & are silent... So! I went to see a doc, Long story short, I've got a hearing & sinus problem.