Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 5927 of 6370
And in other news, Joe Biden claims that 150 million people have died from gun violence in the U.S. since 2007. I suppose that might explain the low unemployment numbers right now.
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02-27-2020 07:51
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I'm not giving up anything in particular for Lent. I'm just giving up...
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02-27-2020 07:58
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I didn't tie the knot until I was in my thirties... To this day, I still struggle with shoelaces!
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02-27-2020 08:59
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You can always tell someone's age by watching them get out of a car.
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02-27-2020 11:23
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I just saved a whole bunch of money on my car insurance by hacking into State Farm's main server and deleting the 4 DUIs.
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02-27-2020 13:36
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A good business strategy is to have a donut-shaped meeting room table that rotates around you at 200 rpm as everyone struggles to cling on and you sit in the middle, laughing
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02-27-2020 14:03
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Just caught my pecker in my zipper.. no more zip up boots for me.
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02-27-2020 14:08
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Windows installed an entire continent on my computer. When it finished, it told me "Europe to date."
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02-27-2020 14:17
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If there's enough room to spell 'bootylicious' on the back of your shorts, it probably isn't.
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02-27-2020 14:18
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[robbing a bank] accomplice: nice pantyhose me: thanks accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
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02-28-2020 06:21
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Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
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02-28-2020 06:23
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There’s too much 3-D going on in theaters today. I miss 2-D. And come to think of it, I also miss Tootie from “The Facts of Life.”
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02-28-2020 06:43
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It's leap day tomorrow. This is God's way of punishing us by having Bernie and Nancy coming out as lovers
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02-28-2020 06:47
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I won't consider myself successful until someone follows me around with a cooler of gatorade to dump over my head whenever I win at anything.
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02-28-2020 10:32
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Just find out there’s no popcorn on popcorn shrimp. Guess there is no reason to try Pot Roast
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02-28-2020 10:33
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Tom work hard. Tom tired. Tom need break. Tom book Caribbean vacation. Tom Cruise.
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02-28-2020 10:36
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You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
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02-28-2020 10:37
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My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
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02-28-2020 11:27
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i would not pray for you, nut below
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02-28-2020 12:27
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My farts don't stink & are silent... So! I went to see a doc, Long story short, I've got a hearing & sinus problem.
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02-28-2020 13:17
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