Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinking whomever that came up with the Have A Happy Period ad campaign is an idiotic, 45 yr old virginal man, raised in the wild, by wolves.

   FB is soo useful always reminds you of birthdays and anniversaries, Never forget your wifes birthday...

   if you and I always agree.......... one of us is unnecessary

   says that the depressing thing about tennis is that, no matter how good you get, you will never be better than a wall

   So I got out of having to hang with the inlaws by going to work. Good trade I say!

   Ahhhhhhhh, those carefree days of yore when we could pick a frilly dandelion puff from it's roots and blow them into the wind. NOW IT'S ALL OUT FRIGGIN' WAR!!!!! Kill the dandelions! Kill Kill Kill!!

   Cherish your dreams ,as they are the children of your soul,the blueprints of your ultimate achievements.

   Since switching from PC to MAC, my computer never goes down on me :(

   refuses to "lather, rinse, repeat". Seriously... how dirty do they think my hair gets?!?

   Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?

   sometimes I find hope at the bottom of a bottle of vodka.

   Arguing about Facebook is so Myspace.

   What I meant to text: 'sweety pie'. What I actually texted: 'sweaty pig'. Proofreading: it can save relationships.

   I made eye contact with someone in traffic and then didn't let them merge. I feel like a James Bond villain.

   F*ck the real world,let's all just be pirates!

   I sympathize a lot with Darth Vader because he had so much trouble juggling career and family.

   Some people are put off when I greet them with a kiss. Maybe I should use less tongue?

   Light switches that flip up for off should be banned

   Somebody make her a dude so I can punch her!!

   I've downloaded the Darth Vader voice and labeled my final street destination "Your M0m" Just to hear: now turning on y0ur m0m