Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Crack,meth,heroine. All these drugs should be manufactured by pharmacutical companies. That way,no one could afford them.

   Do You Really expect everybody to believe your "in a relationship" with someone who doesn't have facebook? Your fooling no one..

   I'm sick of Canadians sneaking across the border and stealing our hockey jobs.

   Sarah Palin thinks US law should be based on the Bible. As the most attractive female in national politics, I think she'd be far more successful doing an arm-in-arm political fashion tour with the most attractive man in Washington, Ann Coulter.

   BP says their latest cleanup technique is called a "Dirty Sanchez." I don't want details.

   Not to scare anyone, but we're only a decade or so away from grandmothers named Amber or Brittany.

   After five minutes of forced conversation, I've just realized that this person sitting across from me is not, in fact, Tony Danza

   Tried to log into my WellsFargo.com account with my MILF-Hunter.com password. Oh, whatever, like you never did that!

   When is that 1/2 man on '2 and and 1/2 Men' going to officially become a man?

   Megan Fox will not be acting in Transformers 3. So, no change from Transformers 1 and 2.

   Why is it that every gal i'm in touch with these days is so sh*t fo brains??i mean, god,please,get 'Some'body with even half f it. . fine,make her ugly as hell but pls,'Some' brains atleast? beauty and brains don't go together at all,I know now. . . :/

   Embracing the darkness,killing the light.go on you troubles,i ain't got the time to fight.mayb the yesterday ws wrong,tmrrw wud sure be right.no more shaking up,may however strong be the tide.i close my eyes with a dream.this is misery's final night. . .

   Don't Think I Can't Live Without You.., I'll Leave You In The Water Like The Statue Of Liberty...

   wonders why celebrities are so down with getting their pictures taken with them and their kids, yet you give them a relity show and the show revolves around their kids...

   I am blessed to have two beautiful kids. Thank god my wife cheated on me!!

   “Women always worry about the things that men forget; men always worry about the things women remember”

   "I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper."

   ˙˙˙ǝʇıɹ ʇou ƃuıɥʇǝɯos ʇnq ˙˙˙ssǝןǝɹıʍ snʇɐʇs sıɥ ƃuıʇɐpdn sı

   is thinking 9000 people are having sex right now, 2000 are kissing and you are reading my status. Hang in there mate !!

   remembers the day when blackberry and apple were just fruit..