Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me

   Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.

   We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.

   *bursts through door while i’m using the bathroom* ARE YOU STILL WATCHING?!

   Netflix should have the option to not just resume from when you shut it off, but to resume from when you fell asleep.

   Top 3 screwdrivers: 1. Tool for turning screws 2. Vodka and orange juice 3. Method of Uber payment

   I take spiders outside in stead of killing them because it's not their fault that I'm scared of them. I do however, scream while doing so.

   If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.

   One of my favorite things about Walmart: the impulse buy is no longer a breathmint, it's an entire rotisserie chicken.

   One advantage The Monkees had over The Beatles was the opposable thumb

   My moods don't just swing - they bounce, pivot, recoil, rebound, oscillate, fluctuate and occasionally pirouette.

   I'd like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means "wow that's fantastic." Her texts are so much more fun now.

   If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

   Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He's gonna help out around the office. *Monkey flinging office equipment out the window* Brian hates clutter.

   Crazy that in 2019 auto-flush toilets still can't distinguish between sowho's peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.

   Cool Fact:Fred Flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin

   Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.

   I've decided to kill off a few characters in the book I'm writing. I really think it will spice up my autobiography.

   I could easily do all my Christmas shopping at the Cracker Barrel gift shop.

   I love my robotic vacuum cleaner that saves so much time and effort!...as long as I don't have to spend like an hour looking for it under furniture or in corners or wherever it got stuck and died.