Funny Status Messages

   Please enjoy this security camera footage of me not robbing the bank! It was recorded first, so the other tape of me dynamiting the vault, twirling my mustache, and running out holding sacks with dollar signs on them must be ignored!

   Why do couples alway say that they're expecting a baby? Like could they be expecting something else perhaps like a penguin or a giraffe or something?

   The Better Business Bureau just released a list of the top 10 holiday scams to avoid. And get this, the list only cost me $300.

   I hate Walmart. The men's bathroom doesn't have any urninals! Just a bunch of women screaming telling me to get out

   I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

   My favorite Thanksgiving tradition is finding mysterious crumbs on me for the next seven to ten work days.

   Pro-Tip: If you volunteer to sit at the kids' table this Thanksgiving, you can hide your green bean casserole under the plate of the toddler next you.

   Social media invented the process of trash taking it self out.

   What is this mythical "leftover" Bacon of which you speak ?

   Seriously, why didn't you care about the Clinton's taking money from their bogus Clinton Foundation? They were stealing hundreds of millions from their own charity, Mr. Hypocrite. Typical. And, why would a billionaire steal a paltry $2 mill? Fake News.

   Disney has installed hand sanitizers to combat swine flu. And I was thinking, “Disney — if you’re really serious about not spreading swine flu, get that Donald Duck to start wearing pants.”

   Sorry if I end up in your dms this snow ❄🏂 got me sliding everywhere 🤭

   Last night, I watched a documentary on marijuana. Let me say this... if you're gonna watch a documentary, that's the best way to do it.

   I'll never understand why people name their kids after 80's action heroes. Sorry, but I have more class than that. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to make a conference call to my sons Michelangelo, Donatello, Raphael and Leonardo.

   My dad called and said my mom accidentally took one of his men's vitamins. I go, "Yeah, so?" He said she's been bugging him to take her to Hooters but she won't let him Google the directions.

   I'm having a terrible day. There's a suppository behind my ear and I can't find my pencil.

   Ok, I'm a Boomer. But not a Campbell's Cream of Mushroom soup with cubed white meat chicken casserole Boomer.

   Before Facebook Instagram and all these social networks we have today, when I was a kid if we went around and showed all our friends our Selfies they would think that we were really committed, or should be.

   Darn it's cold outside!.....which I just thought I'd post for those of you who haven't been outside lately.

   I put a lot of basil, parsley, rosemary and thyme in my old Volkswagen Beetle... ..it became herby.