Funny Status Messages

   My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.

   Can we celebrate Thanksgiving this year and be thankful for all we have before we start thinking about all the cheap Chinese made plastic junk we don't need for Christmas?

   Thinking about bathroom remodeling ideas. So if you can post your selfies below that would be great. Thanks!

   I see Black Friday is coming up and wondering who profits the most on that day? The people who are smart enough to stay home feeling thankful for everything they have the day after Thanksgiving?

   You know you're a VW bus driver when you start out speeding towards a hill, and still end up at the top with a line of cars behind you.

   A man and woman in Britain became the oldest couple in the world to divorce — they are both 98 years old. It was an ugly breakup. She found another woman’s teeth in their bedroom.

   A new poll says that 53% of shoppers start the day after Thanksgiving. The other 47% are men.

   I got mugged by 6 dwarves last night... Not Happy.

   "Shia LaBeouf" sounds like something a French guy would say after a really raunchy fart.

   The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult. The migraine that follows.

   Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy. Surgeon: I'm not putting your wisdom teeth back in.

   So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave. How’s your day

   If she says "do you notice anything different about me?" just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something

   A man in Kentucky cut off another man’s beard and forced him to eat it during a fight. In a related story, I’m staying the heck out of Kentucky.

   Jimmy Buffett has a cruise and he doesn’t even go on it. That’s like going to see Hootie & the Blowfish and just getting Blowfish.

   It is Veterans Day, when we honor everyone who served in all of the campaigns. We honor them with dignity and respect, and of course mattress sales and tire discounts.

   Happy birthday to Leonardo DiCaprio. He turns 45 today. It's time for a Titanic prostate exam. l

   ah nuts, I accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train

   it’s funny how guys like being called daddy until the pregnancy test is positive

   me as a therapist: I see what you’re saying. *starts writing something down for you* here, there’s an episode of Naruto that I think would be relevant and extremely healing for you