Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not only is it dangerous you'll look like a complete idiot if you text and drive, as that's how typos happen.

   Broke up with my gingerbread girlfriend. She was nice, but she got too kneady.

   The last time I went to see my uncle in hospital the nurse was rubbing vaseline on his back He went down hill very quickly afterwards

   A sculptor built a 5280 foot statue of Mick Jagger for his 50th birthday. That's a huge mile Stone.

   Fun fact: Bruce Lee does not drink water. Instead, he drinks WATAA!

   I don't see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?

   “Sorry for the late response” is my email signature

   All I need is to hear those 3 special words “Want a sandwich?”

   White House admits quid pro quo. This is getting a lot interesting now.

   It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.

   Friend zoned your wife again

   Website: We use cookies to improve performance. Me: Same

   Maybe Millennials aren't having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/

   my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they're back

   Donald Trump to Queen Elizabeth: "You did a great job on Bohemian Rhapsody! Great song."

   If youre going to give your kid a name like hes an 80s action hero, then make sure he goes outside every once and a while. Cause "Maverick" looks like the only exercise he gets it walking to the fridge and back to the Playstation.

   The only time a classic old VW doesn’t leak is when it has run out of oil.

   Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

   Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don't let your dog sit in the driver's seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.

   I wish my navigation system was a little more zen-like and instead of saying things like "Your destination is in 300 ft" it would say "Your destination is in 300 ft but remember, it's not about the destination, it's the journey that counted!"