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I never know what to do with all the fast food condiments I bring home from restaurants but I sure am ready for the trick-or-treaters this year!
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09-27-2019 23:39
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mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income. me: no problem broker: Where are you currently employed? me: Spirit Halloween
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09-28-2019 06:57
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You can tell it’s autumn because Nancy Peelosi used her cauldron to make chowder.
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09-28-2019 07:33
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The probability of someone looking at you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
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09-28-2019 12:42 by
MiMisHouse
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I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
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09-28-2019 16:19
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Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don't lie either.
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09-28-2019 16:19
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Let's face it, Facebook is just a place for people seeking attention and tweeter is a place where they hope someone, anyone, will listen.
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09-29-2019 13:17
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The thing I don't like about Twitter is don't give you enough room to write all your thoughts out and you always end up cutting short every sente
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09-29-2019 13:26
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The phrases "Adam Schiff" and "Intelligence" can not be used in the same sentence.
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09-30-2019 09:12
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I think it's a miracle Jesus was able to turn water into wine but I thank God each morning for giving me the ability to turn water into coffee.
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09-30-2019 10:03
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I got a speeding ticket yesterday...But my attorney, Rudy Giuliani, plead it down to 1st Degree Murder.
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09-30-2019 13:51
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For next season’s “survivor” series, let’s get 16 politicians and force them to live on minimum wage.
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10-01-2019 04:50 by
Crewzey
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Ladies, please remove your Apple Watch if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a Spy Kid.
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10-01-2019 09:28
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There is a guy here at work that calls me "Chief." There's another guy here at work that calls me "Pardner." I'm beginning to feel like I'm a double-agent in a clandestine Cowboys and Indians war.
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10-01-2019 09:32
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Just bought some of that new Pelosi Vodka at the Liquor Store. It has no proof, either.
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10-01-2019 10:18
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Adults in the wold read this symbol # as pound and women name a movement againt sexual harassment #metoo.
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10-01-2019 11:46
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I dropped and broke an egg this morning. Yet another seven years of bad luck with the chicks...
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10-02-2019 04:11
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Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor? Me: Yes, but I don't have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
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10-02-2019 05:58
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'I can quit anytime I want' I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
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10-02-2019 05:58
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My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says "First, let me explain"
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10-02-2019 05:58
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