Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon All my updates will be posted in CAPITALS from now on. I posted this one in Atlanta.
←Rate | 04-09-2018 08:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When someone knocks on my door, I find the best thing to do is knock back from my side. Then they go away.
←Rate | 04-09-2018 11:22 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I'm old enough to remember when apparently the worst thing life could hand you was lemons.
←Rate | 04-09-2018 11:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's pretty amazing how many times my daughter likes to say "it's not fair!" considering she has never had to pay taxes
←Rate | 04-09-2018 11:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Our dog just winked at me, and now I am trying to figure out what secret we are keeping from the rest of the family.
←Rate | 04-09-2018 11:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes I am busy tweeting and I stop and think, "did a jogger just bounce off my windshield?"
←Rate | 04-09-2018 11:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just saved a ton of money not spent at Disneyworld by making my kids stand in line in the backyard for 3 hours and then taking them to the bathroom.
←Rate | 04-09-2018 12:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I am planning to enjoy my evening with the in-laws tonight by filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls
←Rate | 04-09-2018 12:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes I just want to be taken seriously; other times I just want to be taken, seriously.
←Rate | 04-09-2018 12:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I love it when people knocks on my door. It gives me an excuse to use my guns.
←Rate | 04-09-2018 13:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If there's one person on the planet capable of rejecting President Trump's requests (without enduring the wrath of his Twitter fury), it's Melania Trump.
←Rate | 04-09-2018 13:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I turned out ok for a kid raised in large part by Bugs Bunny.
←Rate | 04-09-2018 15:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Notice when Obama was president, spring always came on time? Just saying......
←Rate | 04-09-2018 18:24 Comments (5)  

   messageicon I want to find a lawyer that makes $130,000 payments on my behalf, for things I never did, and he doesn't ask for repayment. Amazing.
←Rate | 04-09-2018 22:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon M.A.G.A: My Attorney Got Arrested
←Rate | 04-09-2018 23:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Planning a wedding with your fiancee is good practice for divorce
←Rate | 04-10-2018 05:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I decided to weigh myself this morning when the scale said "Lo". I was ready to get all excited when I realized it just mean the battery! Ugh
←Rate | 04-10-2018 05:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon At first it was "Okay" and then "ok" and now "k" and soon it will disappear and you`ll all regret it
←Rate | 04-10-2018 05:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Back in our days a Teacher leaving the class for a few minutes was the original Harlem Shake
←Rate | 04-10-2018 05:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon One thing that I have noticed about conspiracy theories is that they all depend on the government perpetrators being endlessly clever. I think you'll find that most government perpetrators are endlessly stupid.
←Rate | 04-10-2018 09:46 Comments (0)  

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