Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lawyer : did your boyfriend commit the crime? Girlfriend : honey he can’t even commit to this relationship Entire jury: OH SNAP

   I've been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie's car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.

   “What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.

   I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.

   Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.

   Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?

   Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We'll take care of that. Me: And...the other thing? Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn't mean they are willing to take your kids.

   When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like "Damn, where you get all them cards?"

   the phone camera arms race really overestimates the degree to which I want to see my own face in high definition

   i don’t like the person I become when i’m tracking a ups package

   Nothing makes me feel like a founding father like still remembering how to write in cursive.

   There is nothing stopping a condom company from saying they are the only condoms worn by Santa Claus

   Sean Connery must have had a hard time training his dog to sit

   Makeup can make you look pretty on the outside, but it won't help if you're ugly on the inside. Unless you eat the makeup...

   The kids are asking why I'm wearing sunglasses in the house today. Spiked their morning OJ with vodka so we are on the same page.

   Good chance of showers today. -- Bathroom Forecast.

   WARNING! If you get an e-mail with the title of "Nude Photo of nancy peelosi" DO NOT OPEN IT! It IS a nude photo of nancy peelosi.

   "Damn girl! I think you're giving me mesothelioma cuz yo ass bestest!"

   My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I'm excited to see how I'm doing in algebra.

   Bruce Willis pours a can of Red Bull onto his flower bed then drinks 8 gallons of water out of a watering can before realising his mistake