Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon My brother has stop talking to his wife after she refused to join the mile high club with him. If I know her she doesn't give a flying fu*k.
←Rate | 03-18-2018 00:32 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Remember that scene where the Hulk smashes Lokie into the ground, my exwife big Tooth did that to the rest of mouth.
←Rate | 03-18-2018 05:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Embarrassment: Is when your 6 year old corrects your spelling when you're spelling out a cuss word.
←Rate | 03-18-2018 20:42 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon {at sports arena} *kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
←Rate | 03-19-2018 05:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hate when ppl use their zodiac sign to justify sh^tty behavior. Like "sorry I can't help it I'm a Scorpio." No Susan you're just a bi*ch!
←Rate | 03-19-2018 06:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Subway Meatball Sub
←Rate | 03-19-2018 07:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hillary broke her wrist when she slipped in a bathtub. The bathtub was later found dead with two gunshots in the back of the head. The death has been ruled a suicide.
←Rate | 03-19-2018 12:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Breast reduction is just another way a woman has to get something off her chest.
←Rate | 03-19-2018 13:44 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hey Hillary...We do not want to see your food that you and Bill eat.
←Rate | 03-19-2018 14:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Well, hello there Last Straw. I've been expecting you.
←Rate | 03-19-2018 14:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you want to know how we found out stuff before we had the internet then just google it.
←Rate | 03-19-2018 14:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Golf would be a lot more fun to watch on TV if the balls were on fire
←Rate | 03-19-2018 15:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My son found a cassette tape in the basement. It's like watching 2001 Space Odyssey in real life.
←Rate | 03-19-2018 15:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon How many people with ADHD does it take to change...... ooh butterfly
←Rate | 03-19-2018 15:23 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Trump: I was surprised to see they have a picture of me at the art gallery. Pence: Sir, that was a mirrow.
←Rate | 03-19-2018 16:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The bad news: I took the wrong medication today. The good news: For the next 3 months I'm protected against heartworms and fleas.
←Rate | 03-19-2018 16:48 by gremlinsd Comments (0)  

   messageicon I could replace my teenage daughter with a honey badger and nobody would notice the difference.
←Rate | 03-20-2018 02:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The great thing about insomnia is you have all this extra time to reflect on your suffering and failures.
←Rate | 03-20-2018 02:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife is so bad at housekeeping, that our dog buries his bones in our carpet.
←Rate | 03-20-2018 02:19 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon My dentist switched me to this new sensitive toothpaste and now I can't stop crying
←Rate | 03-20-2018 02:19 Comments (0)  

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