Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I used to like to eat footlong subs, but the periscopes always stuck in my teeth
←Rate | 02-10-2018 21:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If zombies eat the living and vultures eat the dead, what do zombie vultures eat and what do you mean this isn't an emergency, 911 operator?
←Rate | 02-11-2018 01:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know that game where your hands made a church and steeple, and you opened it up to see the people? Why the hell didn't it bother anyone that the people were all being hung from the rafters like a mass suicide?
←Rate | 02-11-2018 01:28 Comments (2)  

   messageicon Today I ended a long relationship. Yeah.....I’m okay, I'm not really upset or anything though, it wasn't even mine.
←Rate | 02-11-2018 11:09 Comments (1)  

   messageicon According to my neighbor's diary, I have boundary issues.
←Rate | 02-11-2018 11:10 by RC Comments (0)  

   messageicon Beginning to question my plans to go yachting with Robert Wagner this weekend.
←Rate | 02-11-2018 14:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I want to start a support organization for pets that are forced to be emotional supports for humans
←Rate | 02-11-2018 22:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm glad for Justin Beiber and conrats to him on his new "unplugged" show. Personally I think every pop stars' act seems more relaxed and genuine once their b utt pl ug is removed.
←Rate | 02-11-2018 22:21 Comments (2)  

   messageicon I think I'm going to make chocolate covered Tide Pods for Valentine's day
←Rate | 02-12-2018 01:42 by Raylovestrump Comments (1)  

   messageicon Word of the Day: Intaxication - That brief period of euphoria you feel between receiving a tax refund and then realizing it was your money to begin with.
←Rate | 02-12-2018 06:59 Comments (5)  

   messageicon My guess is that few Children are named Siri or Alexa anymore.
←Rate | 02-12-2018 07:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake
←Rate | 02-12-2018 07:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A lot of people cry when they chop onions....The trick is to not form an emotional bond
←Rate | 02-12-2018 07:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's hard to focus on a home workout when your home also contains a refrigerator full of delicious food
←Rate | 02-12-2018 07:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife caught me cheating yesterday. Was a stupid and careless mistake. She said she's never going to play Monopoly with me again
←Rate | 02-12-2018 07:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Everyone is gifted......But not everyone opens their present
←Rate | 02-12-2018 07:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know you've been working too hard when you keep dialing a 9 while making a call from your home phone.
←Rate | 02-12-2018 14:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Seen a midget carrying a plasma TV to his car and a yelled out, “Hey buddy! Need help carrying that TV?” He shouted, “It’s an iPAD A$$HOLE!”
←Rate | 02-12-2018 16:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m building a wall around Facebook and Your all going to pay for it
←Rate | 02-12-2018 18:07 Comments (3)  

   messageicon Most teenagers are treated like children. But are expected to act like adults.
←Rate | 02-12-2018 20:01 by Justathought Comments (0)  

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