Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fact: China denies his claim that they reached out about a trade deal. What is is it going to take for you to wake up?

   Watching the VMA Awards: if Keith Richards saw what music has become, he’d be spinning in his grave.

   I don't want to brag or make anyone jealous but I'm proud to say that I still we are the same size shoes I did in High School!

   The news is so fake. Trump University is still active and running stronger than ever.

   : Girls that try to flirt with guys on Twitter are pathetic. Guys, if you agree, message me your number so we can talk about it.

   *putting a top hat on my dog* Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.

   A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune

   Accidentally used the dog's shampoo today, and I'm feeling like such a good girl.

   Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?

   Dating in your early 20’s: Show me your abs and buy me beer. Dating in your 40’s: Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.

   therapist: what's your biggest fear me: ghost chameleons bc they have therapist: [gasps] double invisibility

   When someone rings my doorbell, I'm every bit as upset as my dogs.

   Don't waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.

   Me: I miss the good old days Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope? M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit W: I despise you

   SON: I lost a tooth. I'm gonna leave it under my pillow. ME: *paying bills online* I'd wait

   Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old "gyne and dash."

   : Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs? Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.

   millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FR

   Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.

   [School Bus Driver Interview] INTERVIEWER: What's your greatest weakness? GREEN LANTERN: {Don't say the color yellow} Um...children