Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   sooooo hot. In a completely unrelated matter, it is rather warm today.

   I get blamed for everything. Looks like I have no choice but to run for president.

   Ladies I think we should file a class action suit against Calgon...After years and years of waiting for it to take us away..It hasn't taken us any damn where!

   Osama Bin Laden has updated his facebook status. The FBI has left the afganistan/Pakistan border and is now searching for him in Farmville.

   so excited for another day of having to listen to how great a teenage girls struggle between necrophilia and bestiality is

   people will believe anything if you whisper it.

   I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

   Wipe your mouth. There's still a tiny bit of bullsh*t around your lips.

   Let me know if anyone's hiring right now... I specialize in destroying alarm clocks and petting kittens.

   Nothing makes me feel more American than the fact that my button has just popped off of my pants.

   Deleting your Facebook account is a quick way to find out what people will say at your funeral.

   the reason why I don't watch most reality tv shows is because of the elimination round why does everyone leave quietly? I personally would come out swearing and breaking things best to end with a bang right?

   hates it when he goes to a house and Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC is there! This is the 5th time this week

   his dreams shattered.. Megan Fox got married, there goes my 0.000000000001% chance

   I like "glass half full" type of people. Unless they're working behind the bar.

   My car talks. It says things like "your door is ajar", but never anything really helpful like, "there's a trooper hiding in the bushes."

   Native Americans are the most successful strippers because when they dance they make it rain....

   Facebook is a procrastinators best friend

   understands this whole concept of cooking and cleaning. What I don't understand, and has not been sufficiently explained, was how this all applies to me or why I should even try?

   there a cure for a broken heart? Only time can heal your broken heart, just as time can heal his broken arms and legs.