Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you

   SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU *shakes buy one get one free coupon*

   The next person who says I'm using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves

   "Kill Bill" but it's me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.

   You're trying to get me drunk aren't you? Me to myself

   Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy

   “They’re going to pay for the wall” WRONG “They’re going to pay the tariffs “ LIE!

   Everyone seems so normal until you become Facebook friends with them.

   you know your farts really stink when the dog get up and leaves the room

   Peter Fonda died. Let me guess, Hilary killed her too?

   The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in. His head near his mother and his feet kicking my c

   Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars - might recommend.* *mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can

   shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once

   "My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college" #SpoiledKidsComplaints

   I used the entire box of tissues to blow my nose at my therapist's office to make a point about her switching to a subpar generic brand and instead of apologizing about the tissues all she could talk about is some idea that I'm passive aggressive.

   shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch

   Some things are better left unsaid Tequila - No they're not

   Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.

   Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.

   Life as a woman is just adding new body parts to your shaving regimen every year until you die.