Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon If you drink too much at a bar, don't waste money on a cab. Instead, walk to the nearest Domino's and order a pizza to deliver to your house. Then ask the delivery guy if you can ride along with him.
←Rate | 02-09-2018 16:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes, I like to stalk random strangers vacation pic's, and tag myself as one of the people in the background just for laughs.
←Rate | 02-09-2018 17:08 by MDS Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife stepped out of the shower and said "I shaved down there, you know what that means?" I said, "Yeah the damned drain is clogged again."
←Rate | 02-09-2018 17:10 by MDS Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its only 30% full? ...Well that's how guys feel about push-up bras
←Rate | 02-09-2018 17:11 by MDS Comments (0)  

   messageicon After trying it doggie style I can't face my wife again.
←Rate | 02-09-2018 21:03 by Jake Comments (2)  

   messageicon Went to an amature talent show and saw a topless ventriloquist. I didn't see her lips move once.
←Rate | 02-09-2018 21:07 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon We live in a strange world where the poor walk miles to get food and the rich walk miles to digest food
←Rate | 02-10-2018 05:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's a good thing Apple wasn't in charge of Calender years. Otheriwise We'd all be expecting 2018 and get 2018S instead
←Rate | 02-10-2018 05:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon While thinking of revenge two sayings came to mind: " revenge is a dish best served cold" and "revenge is sweet". I therefore came to the conclusion that revenge is ice cream.
←Rate | 02-10-2018 05:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm kinda glad that dinosaurs are extinct cause I'm pretty sure I'd try to ride one after a few beers.
←Rate | 02-10-2018 05:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just read something that said, "Don't believe everything you read." I'm not sure if I should believe it.
←Rate | 02-10-2018 08:11 by PastaFazool Comments (0)  

   messageicon This year rather than candy for your valentine why not liquor instead.
←Rate | 02-10-2018 08:11 by MDS Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dave came into the bar last night visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much, quit counting them
←Rate | 02-10-2018 08:13 by MDS Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wonder what the inventor of the drawing board said when his first design didn’t work out.
←Rate | 02-10-2018 08:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Justin Bieber is coming out with an 'Unplugged album'? I hope it's the microphone that they unplug.
←Rate | 02-10-2018 10:50 Comments (1)  

   messageicon My dog is not a good guard dog, so I replaced him. I really feel stupid barking at the postman.
←Rate | 02-10-2018 17:23 by Jake Comments (1)  

   messageicon Two girls talking. 1st girl: I've been ask lots of times to get married. 2nd girl: Was it by the same guy? 1st girl: No, by my mother.
←Rate | 02-10-2018 17:29 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon If your full name was Elongated Musketeer then you would probably shorten it, too
←Rate | 02-10-2018 20:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Some of my friends say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They say things like "Hey dude we are over here you don't even know those people"
←Rate | 02-10-2018 20:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I can't believe this stupid fly just zoomed in my car before a long trip. Have fun living in Boston, stupid little fly
←Rate | 02-10-2018 20:43 Comments (0)  

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