Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon If given a choice between getting a tattoo or throwing my money on the ground, whoever is behind me is going to be very happy!
←Rate | 01-09-2018 13:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I bought a screwdriver bit for my electric drill. It's useful for converting ordinary phillips screws into non removable screws.
←Rate | 01-09-2018 17:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon How do dragons blow out candles on their birthday cake?
←Rate | 01-09-2018 17:58 by markf Comments (0)  

   messageicon You millenials have it so good --- we could only like 6 songs max and had to carve their names in a rock
←Rate | 01-09-2018 18:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Donald J. Trump. The "J" stands for genius.
←Rate | 01-09-2018 18:18 by Mr.Conservative Comments (6)  

   messageicon Musical Electric Chairs. For death row inmates. Lets make it fun and televise it. . .
←Rate | 01-09-2018 19:15 by JAB Comments (0)  

   messageicon A fun prank for Halloween is to train your dog to sit and growl at the padlocked closet as your guests arrive
←Rate | 01-09-2018 20:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A lot of people were confused at the grand opening ceremony of our ribbon-repair business
←Rate | 01-09-2018 20:57 by markf Comments (0)  

   messageicon "O say can you something something" - Donald Trump singing our National Anthem.
←Rate | 01-09-2018 20:59 Comments (10)  

   messageicon Apparently these new inkjet cartridges were improved to show that the printer is already out of ink
←Rate | 01-09-2018 21:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ladies......If it takes you more than a hour to get ready, you aren't as cute as you think you are
←Rate | 01-10-2018 04:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I still don't understand why Oprah didn't use "Come to Oprah and Winfrey gifts!" as a slogan for her show
←Rate | 01-10-2018 04:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My boss asked me to take an anger management class today. I told him I was angry enough with management as it is
←Rate | 01-10-2018 04:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I need to start eating healthy but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so its not there to tempt me
←Rate | 01-10-2018 04:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The most terrifying moment in life is when the toilet refuses to flush at someone else's house
←Rate | 01-10-2018 04:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I know French too: Jean val Jean is French for "pants more pants"
←Rate | 01-10-2018 17:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon As a high school student, I think I was bitten by a radioactive sloth
←Rate | 01-10-2018 17:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon One day all of your earthly possessions will be destroyed ... that day comes when your child turns 2
←Rate | 01-10-2018 18:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If by "cruches" you mean the sound potato chips make when I eat them, then yes, certainly I do crunches
←Rate | 01-10-2018 18:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Changed Siri voice to male. ME: Siri, which way to the beach? SIRI: Dude just keep driving until you see a lot of water.
←Rate | 01-10-2018 18:09 Comments (0)  

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