Funny Status Messages

   "If you smacked a kid in the face with a bottle of Johnson's No More Tears, would it create beautiful irony?"

   I was walking through the cemetery the other day, and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning." he said, "No, just taking a sh*t"...

   not available right now, please leave a message after the period.

   Have you guys ever noticed the months July, August, September, October and November spell out the name JASON???? Have I discovered something kinda like the Da Vinci Code??!

   I watched the new Supreme Court nominee on C-SPAN yesterday and honestly think he has the worst haircut I've ever seen.

   just running a bath ... after that I may take the shower for a walk ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶

   love Independence Day! But it pales in comparison to my Dependence Day, that is the day I decided to depend on God and not myself. Talk about true freedom!

   guys are like dogs, put them on a leash and they'll be chassin every puss in sight!

   strongly abides by the motto: "Safety third."

   OMG I just wasted my time watching the twilight series :love triangle between a depressed girl a 110 yr old vampire and a werewolf !

   Talk like a angel, act like a angel yet a devil in disguise!!

   Why do we sleep in church, but stay awake through a 2 hour movie?? Why is it so hard to talk to God, but so easy to gossip??Jesus said "If you deny me in front of your friends, I will deny YOU in front of my Father.

   Life is simple. Eat. Sleep. Update Facebook status.

   My Foot + your teeth + Contact at a high velocity = Awesome

   I Dont Care if he's a werewolf, its snowing, and the least he could do is put on a f*cking shirt!

   I took my girlfriend to see the new Twilight movie today. It was bad. The Gulf Of Mexico is in better shape than that movie's plotline.

   When your a standup comedian your not going to make everyone laugh. When your up there on stage half the audience should be laughing, and half the audience should be horrified.

   Wikipedia has its own wikipedia page. Can you say redundant? If you have to wikipedia wikipedia, you have no buisness being on wikipedia.

   Someone said I met Jim Beam last night but I don't recall.

   Loves the smell of gun powder, thank you Chinese people..