Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Truth ~ only visible to those who question everything that they have been taught to believe.

   Dad: You have your mother’s eyes. Me: (huge black eye)

   My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.

   Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.

   What do you call a mentally disabled person in a fancy suit?-Mr.President.

   Martian: “Take us to your leader.” Me: No! You wouldn’t believe it.

   Expecting truth from corporate media is like expecting love from a prostitute. That’s not why they exist.

   I had plastic surgery last week, I cut up my credit cards.

   Regular unleaded: Willie Nelson, Plus unleaded: Snoop Dog, Supreme unleaded: Hunter Biden

   When you’re about as useless as the “g” in lasagna.

   Running a country is like riding a bike. ~ Joe Biden

   Checked my media account and nobody cares that I went shopping. That’s okay karma will get them.

   People who think men can get pregnant are suddenly concerned about misinformation on Twitter if Elon owns it.

   Kamala Harris sounds like an 8 year old that didn’t read the book, but is trying to give a book report based solely on the cover.

   Welcome to middle age, berry flavored tums are dessert now.

   Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine.

   Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

   Not seeing a single action figure at the adult toy store.

   The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

   How can you tell it’s a dogwood tree? By the bark.