Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Help wanted - Nobody wants to twerk anymore.

   Happiness is a dry martini and a good woman… or a bad woman.

   In a world full of hate, Be Kind.

   Truth ~ only visible to those who question everything that they have been taught to believe.

   The View: Vicious, Insane, Egotistical, Woman.

   Dad: You have your mother’s eyes. Me: (huge black eye)

   My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.

   Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.

   Expecting truth from corporate media is like expecting love from a prostitute. That’s not why they exist.

   Gavin Newsome savagely mocked for claiming men can’t get pregnant.

   I had plastic surgery last week, I cut up my credit cards.

   Regular unleaded: Willie Nelson, Plus unleaded: Snoop Dog, Supreme unleaded: Hunter Biden

   When you’re about as useless as the “g” in lasagna.

   Running a country is like riding a bike. ~ Joe Biden

   People aren’t really mad when you say, “Let’s Go Brandon.” They’re mad because you’re having fun when they spent four years being angry and joyless.

   Son: Mom, what does “woke” mean? Mom: It’s a parents shocking realization that her kids are being taught extremist bull-crap.

   Checked my media account and nobody cares that I went shopping. That’s okay karma will get them.

   People who think men can get pregnant are suddenly concerned about misinformation on Twitter if Elon owns it.

   Kamala Harris sounds like an 8 year old that didn’t read the book, but is trying to give a book report based solely on the cover.

   Welcome to middle age, berry flavored tums are dessert now.