Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   She wanted to be friends with benefits, but I said no because she didn't offer dental.

   I wear an eye patch when I download music illegally.

   Dear Pope, Religion and birth control are more compatible than you may think. Every time a condom breaks, someone learns to pray.

   I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

   I think sharks eat people just to get on tv.

   We have 50 friends in common and I still have no idea who the hell you are

   it 1 tap or 2 to request toilet paper from the next stall?

   Wondering what chickens think frogs taste like.

   stop making excuses and start finding the reasons to do things , the only limitation is your imagination and YOU !!

   just saw Eclipse and can't believe it took 3 movies (and 2 actresses) to kill off that b*tch Victoria! And Jacob - get a clue, you stalker!

   wondering if Bob Sheppard is up in heaven going " Now passing... thru the Gates of Heaven... Yankees owner... George Steinbrenner!" R.I.P. =P

   "Id rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not"

   Facebook: A place where you discover that people you once respected can't speel.

   cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass...

   “Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option”

   I loved once.. She was my first kiss, it was on the swingset in the park. Maybe someday she'll find me and we'll hook up again. Who Knows, Until then I'll keep chasing brunettes with big boobies."

   All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.

   A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.

   hotter then a priest on a playground..Bazinga

   saying goes: The darker the berry the sweeter the juice. Well the lighter the berry the longer it stays ripe. ;)