Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I think I need to be in a mental institution, then I look around and think that maybe I already am.

   I prefer to think of myself as a "Contemporary Anthropological Interactive Observer" because it has just the right amount of flair. Besides, "stalker" is such an ugly word.

   Every time I'm put on hold for longer then 10 minutes and a recorded message says "Your call is very important to us!" I cant help but wonder how long I'd have to wait if it wasn't very important?

   How the hell did we get to the point where the guys who killed Bin Laden are the bad guys and the guys who financed 9/11 are the good guys?

   I want a chiropracter to crack my body like a like a glow stick during a hurricane

   My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!

   I don't know what they paid Tom Hanks to be the conductor on the Polar Express, but I've been on the bus during local school field trips and he ain't making near enough money.

   The only way I'll watch Jerry McGuire is if you show me the money

   Why is it that every time someone moves to a warmer state all the talk about is warm weather

   Surely not EVERYBODY was Kung Fu Fighting.

   I would pay so much money to watch the Harlem Globetrotters change a baby!

   You've reached expert Dad level when you can't drive by a gas station without commenting on the price.

   Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?

   forget about the past you cant change it,forget about the future you cant predict it,forget about the present your not getting one

   Why is there a permanent setting on my iron ?

   Turns out the Canary Islands doesn't have any canaries. Just like the Virgin Islands doesn't have any.

   If I was a spy, my perfect code name would be "Individual 1".

   I will fight for my right to eat delicious things. A snacktivist if you will...

   I don't care what anybody else says. "You're a Mean One Mr. Grinch" is the greatest diss track ever written.

   The irony of being anti-social on social media.