Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don’t have any nudes but can I interest you in a picture of me elbows deep in a bucket of fried chicken?

   Had a wonderful drive last night with my super model girlfriend as the wind blew through her hair doing 125mph in my Lamborghini convertible on the way to my Monte Carlo Villa until the garbage truck outside woke me up.

   Don't forget to set your bathroom scale back 15 pounds before eating your Thanksgiving dinner. Happy Thanksgiving :-)

   Lets all say a prayer for Bill Clinton after watching the Monica interview his holidays will suck

   Just remember Satan worshipers, he got his a$$ kicked by some Georgia redneck...

   I took my introverted turtle to an orgy and he immediately started coming out of his shell

   Don't worry about what you eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas. You should worry about what you eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving. Have a Happy Thanksgiving. :-)

   When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn't practice enough.

   I am already ashamed of some of the things I will be doing over the festive holiday.

   The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements, which included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later?

   Thanksgiving is the only time a Califorian can see a natural breast.

   Q: When can women make you a millionaire? A: When you're a billionaire.

   Always choose a proctologist with a good butt-side manner.

   Thanksgiving is a good time to give people the bird and tell them to stuff it. Happy Thanksgiving. :-)

   Wild Turkey on the rocks helps to cope with your relatives on Thanksgiving.

   "The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."

   A train station is where trains stop. A bus station is where buses stop. At my desk at work I have a work station.

   Why is trump pardoning a turkey? Did it murder a journalist?

   It's that time of the year when stores play that rapey "Baby It's Cold Outside" song

   Ha ha suckas....Pie and Cake are safer to eat than salad!