Funny Status Messages

   the only reason why I will wear this HIDEOUS bridesmaid dress is so that a drunk groomsmen can rip it off me later with his teeth.

   When you say, “Jump!” I say, “Under which bus?”

   it me or are 75% of the people that use handicap parking spots not suffering from a handicap at all???

   Master Chef: I am glad the 3rd guy is bald... it matches his d.ick-head personality.

   Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.

   Keep talking........ I always yawn when I'm interested.

   It's hard to get the big picture when you have such a small screen.

   There's no such thing as being "big boned." How many fat skeletons have you ever seen???

   I don't know why some girls refuse to use a porta-potty. It's not like us men pee on the seat on purpose...geesh:)

   Pop Rocks and Condoms! All I can say is WOW!

   Why do they always staff the slowest cashier at the express lanes at Walmart?

   just got a phone call reminder from my dentist about an appointment to come in for a cavity search...

   The Stones are doing a farewell tour. Gonna miss Fred and Barney.

   I can be the only guy at Walmart at two in the morning but as soon as I whip that box of Tampax on the belt, the checkout line is full and they do a price check.

   Dang Kobe, first Artest and now Matt Barnes!? Talk about keeping ur friends close and ur enemies closer! Lol

   It's never a good sign when you lift a girls skirt and find a fly strip dangling down.

   Suppose I should get a girlfriend. Yep, I'm almost out of cologne.

   My poor girlfriend. She's been sick every morning so far this week. I hope she starts to feel better.

   I like to play "Rodeo Cowboy" with my girlfriend. Whenever we're making love and I'm behind her, I call her by a different name and see how long I can hold on.

   wonders why all the old people talk about how far they walked to school back in the day...didnt anyone live close to the school back then