Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   why is the butter always in the back of the fridge??

   If you go to jail and get punked for your shower shoes, pissing on your feet is an equally effective way to disinfect.

   a lady cop pulls over a drunk, and says sir, anything you say may be held against you. the drunk man yells "titties"

   the one that started today's Brett Favre is set to retire rumor and is watching the aftermath unfold. Haha..gotcha!!

   A penny saved is a penny earned. But its easier just to take from the "Take a penny, leave a penny" jar at the store. Afterall, that's why its there.

   always carrying brass knuckles, cause you never know.

   Time to put on my best sexual harrassment suit. It's much like my birthday suit, just... Okay, it's exactly like my birthday suit.

   has been on detox for 4 days and now knows how missisippi got it's name.

   I had a thought, then it smiled and waved goodbye.

   A penny saved is a penny you didn't put in the "Take a penny, leave a penny" jar, you cheap ba$tard!

   Two blondes are standing on opposite sides of a small lake. One yells to the other: "Hey, how do you get to the other side? The other one yells back: "You're already there!"

   I was carring my baby cousin and a dragon fly lands on my shoulder in the parking lot. The shoulder that is also the start button for me to go into scream, panic, and drop everything mode

   Why is the Ice-Cream truck playing the theme from "Deliverance," "Deueling Banjos?" No wait, it's "Music Box Dancer." Whew! The fact that I can name THAT tune is scary in its own right...

   A short list of things I seem unable to care about: vampires, shows about vampires, actors who play vampires, love lives of vampire actors.

   So if I get a job at Walmart, do I pull my own teeth out, or does it happen during orientation?

   What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

   When sitting directly across from someone also using a laptop, I can't stop myself from telling them, "you sunk my battleship!"

   Every time I clean up I feel as if I am depriving archaeologists of clues to my daily life.

   “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have” I told my staff while standing naked smoking a bong waiting for money from the government.

   Wearing pajamas and a robe. I feel like Hugh Hefner, minus everything.