Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon The Best Excuse given by a Lady for Missing Work ! "My husband took an overdose of Viagra.....Couldn't leave him alone with the Maid"
←Rate | 03-03-2018 03:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I thought the trick to makeup was to make it look like you not wearing any and not to look like you shoved your face in a bowl of nacho cheese sauce
←Rate | 03-03-2018 03:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon How come "you're a peach" is a complement but "you're bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
←Rate | 03-03-2018 06:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Actually, officer, I prefer to think that weed smells like me.
←Rate | 03-03-2018 06:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The grocery store in my neighborhood needs to repaint the parking lot near the door to show where the "Just Lazy" parking is.
←Rate | 03-03-2018 08:48 by markf Comments (1)  

   messageicon Resistance is not Futile ... it is Voltage over Current
←Rate | 03-03-2018 08:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't know what I would do without facebook and instagram and twitter -- but I bet it would be something productive
←Rate | 03-03-2018 09:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds
←Rate | 03-03-2018 09:16 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I just got the minivan washed if anyone wants to party this weekend.
←Rate | 03-03-2018 11:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If someone skinnier than you complains that they are fat, it’s okay to snarl at them. Frankly, it’s encouraged.
←Rate | 03-03-2018 11:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Bacon is loaded with sodium, nitrates, grease and animal fat...... Breakfast
←Rate | 03-03-2018 13:08 by Dp Comments (1)  

   messageicon My fat friend has been hangging out at the gym. I told him that he needs to get some bigger shorts.
←Rate | 03-03-2018 20:55 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon My dog keeps chewing on my sofa and two arm chairs. I think he may have a suite tooth.
←Rate | 03-03-2018 21:18 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ending chain migration is a long way to go just to avoid your in-laws.
←Rate | 03-03-2018 22:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife texted me that she was not wearing any underwear. When I got home she was mad at me because I hadn't done the laundry in three weeks.
←Rate | 03-04-2018 05:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I made a millennial cry by asking him to fold a roadmap.
←Rate | 03-04-2018 09:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My executive meeting with the cats in the board room was going so well, until I brought out the laser pointer to highlight my slide presentation
←Rate | 03-04-2018 09:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The first rule of Micromanager Club is ... wait I'll just show you
←Rate | 03-04-2018 10:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just because you can see my teeth, don't assume I'm smiling
←Rate | 03-04-2018 10:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My plumber said that the weird noise coming out of my shower is me crying.
←Rate | 03-04-2018 12:51 Comments (0)  

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