Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon From Cuddly to Stabby in 60 seconds. - a memoir
←Rate | 03-10-2018 09:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I respect you, liquor store shopping cart user.
←Rate | 03-10-2018 09:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I remember back when my "car seat" was the back window shelf of my mom's 63 Plymouth Valiant
←Rate | 03-10-2018 09:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Chameleon cashiers give the best change
←Rate | 03-10-2018 09:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know how people duck when they walk under helicopter blades? I don't.
←Rate | 03-10-2018 09:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon According to this captcha page I am a robot -- what a way to find out. Who knew?
←Rate | 03-10-2018 09:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon OK I get it, two wrongs don't make a right. But what are talking here? 500? 600? I am almost to 600.
←Rate | 03-10-2018 09:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I am about to order a Code Red and one of my kids is going to be surprised that he is Private Santiago
←Rate | 03-10-2018 09:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Driving a gray car in the winter is putting a lot of faith in your fellow drivers on the road.
←Rate | 03-10-2018 09:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It is the year 2048. Colleges are offering courses in selfie angles.
←Rate | 03-10-2018 09:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Eating kale as a snack has several benefits, including no one will ever try to steal your snacks
←Rate | 03-10-2018 09:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I went to ninja school once but the teacher never showed up
←Rate | 03-10-2018 09:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Someone should start a new, but for socks
←Rate | 03-10-2018 09:28 Comments (2)  

   messageicon I'm impressed. Someone went to a lot of trouble to turn this Waffle House into a Waffle Home.
←Rate | 03-10-2018 09:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon That was terrible. For next year's INTERNATIONAL Women's Day, you should only tweet if you have at least TWO citizenships
←Rate | 03-10-2018 09:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wildlife Fact: In the wild, otters can go for days without checking their phones
←Rate | 03-10-2018 09:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm already a mess. I just need to add some hot to it.
←Rate | 03-10-2018 09:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Insanity is not doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. That's called practice.
←Rate | 03-10-2018 09:38 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I wonder if Batman ever looks up in the night sky at the Bat Signal and says, I told him to just text me.
←Rate | 03-10-2018 09:50 by markf Comments (0)  

   messageicon *quietly tries to open a bag of chips during doggy style*
←Rate | 03-10-2018 12:00 Comments (1)  

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