Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wives are like newspapers. They have a new issue every day

   The coffee's not cutting it this morning. So please help me activate those "Feel Good" dopamine chemicals in my brain by liking this status. Thanks!

   Me: I think I'm having a heart attack. Her: Give me your phone code so I can call 911. Me: Never mind, I'm feeling better...

   I might get a job cleaning mirrors,its a job I can see myself doing.

   What does verizon and a port a pot co. have in common. They both give sh*tty service.

   You always hear the wife complain about their husband leaving the toilet seat up. But you'll never hear the husband complain about the wife leaving the toilet seat down.

   You can always make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.

   Dear Maytag: Why don't your dryers have a Fold cycle? It's 2018 for chrissake!

   I love you more then a click of your like buttons.

   That Roy Moore skit on Who Is America is still making me laugh.

   I'm not saying my wife is overweight or eats to much, but I had too put an engery saving lightbulb in the fridge.

   Who ever stole my antidepressants, I hope you're happy.

   Quit hating people because of race, religion, sex, or sexual orientation! Join me in hating people just because they are people!

   Magic Johnson wasted the world's best porn name on a basketball career

   Can my plus one to a wedding be a dog?

   Sorry for squirting in your face... Says no female ever.

   Amendment to the 2nd. The right of the people to keep and bear plastic straws shall not be infringed. You can’t shoot paper through paper.

   I could probably sleep my way to the top....if sleeping actually had anything to do with it that is to say.

   To the person who stole my antidepressants..I hope you're happy now!!!

   Trump Anxiety Disorder covered by Obamacare?