Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon All those Olympic curlers are headed back home now, where the wife is standing by the door with a mop and a broom saying "no more excuses"
←Rate | 02-26-2018 14:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The last scene in Titanic with Jack and Rose wasted so many opportunities for a good knock-knock joke
←Rate | 02-26-2018 14:10 by markf Comments (1)  

   messageicon My food pyramid is currently in its cubist phase
←Rate | 02-26-2018 14:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Maybe Gaston was just being honest about his abilities to put on a great musical performance every night at the tavern
←Rate | 02-26-2018 14:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Do you know what I hate worse than people? Groups of people.
←Rate | 02-26-2018 14:17 by @kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why is it that in the parking lot I can remember all 6 things my wife wanted me to pick up, but as soon as I am in the store I cant even remember 1?
←Rate | 02-26-2018 14:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just saw a text "I hate Ben Stein" and now I love him even more
←Rate | 02-26-2018 14:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon People tell you to make yourself at home and then get all judgmental when you empty the fridge and fall asleep on the sofa
←Rate | 02-26-2018 14:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Self driving cars are never gonna catch on because of people like this guy who just turned left across 4 lanes of traffic
←Rate | 02-26-2018 14:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Can't talk right now. I am interfering in the local high school student gov't election.
←Rate | 02-26-2018 14:36 Comments (3)  

   messageicon Brain? encased in hard skull. Heart and lungs? protected by a thick bony cage. Balls? just hanging there, waiting to be smashed
←Rate | 02-26-2018 14:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Mind if I borrow that bikini top? I haven't flossed today.
←Rate | 02-26-2018 14:42 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I may be delusional, but I am facing it realistically
←Rate | 02-26-2018 14:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Customer service: And how does your name appear on your credit card? "I'd say about 11 pt Arial Bold"
←Rate | 02-26-2018 14:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon 45 minutes on the treadmill is no big deal if you don't turn it on
←Rate | 02-26-2018 14:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Patient: Doc evey time I sneeze, I have an orgasm. Doctor: Are you taking anything for it? Patient: Yea, snuff.
←Rate | 02-26-2018 16:11 by Jake Comments (1)  

   messageicon After the doctor left the exam room from my prostate exam. The nurse came in with three words I didn't want to hear. "Who was that?"
←Rate | 02-26-2018 17:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon At my job, I have 500 people under me. I'm a security guard at a cemetery.
←Rate | 02-26-2018 23:09 by Jake Comments (3)  

   messageicon I married a nymphomaniac. Now after 5 years of marriage, the nympho is gone. And I'm left with the maniac.
←Rate | 02-26-2018 23:15 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I ever find the idiot who decided that it was a brilliant idea to put un-skipable adverts in the middle of a video.
←Rate | 02-27-2018 00:49 Comments (0)  

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