Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I don't know what I would do without facebook and instagram and twitter -- but I bet it would be something productive
←Rate | 03-03-2018 09:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds
←Rate | 03-03-2018 09:16 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I just got the minivan washed if anyone wants to party this weekend.
←Rate | 03-03-2018 11:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If someone skinnier than you complains that they are fat, it’s okay to snarl at them. Frankly, it’s encouraged.
←Rate | 03-03-2018 11:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Bacon is loaded with sodium, nitrates, grease and animal fat...... Breakfast
←Rate | 03-03-2018 13:08 by Dp Comments (1)  

   messageicon My fat friend has been hangging out at the gym. I told him that he needs to get some bigger shorts.
←Rate | 03-03-2018 20:55 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon My dog keeps chewing on my sofa and two arm chairs. I think he may have a suite tooth.
←Rate | 03-03-2018 21:18 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ending chain migration is a long way to go just to avoid your in-laws.
←Rate | 03-03-2018 22:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife texted me that she was not wearing any underwear. When I got home she was mad at me because I hadn't done the laundry in three weeks.
←Rate | 03-04-2018 05:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I made a millennial cry by asking him to fold a roadmap.
←Rate | 03-04-2018 09:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My executive meeting with the cats in the board room was going so well, until I brought out the laser pointer to highlight my slide presentation
←Rate | 03-04-2018 09:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The first rule of Micromanager Club is ... wait I'll just show you
←Rate | 03-04-2018 10:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just because you can see my teeth, don't assume I'm smiling
←Rate | 03-04-2018 10:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My plumber said that the weird noise coming out of my shower is me crying.
←Rate | 03-04-2018 12:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What is the Difference between secretary and personal secretary? Secretary says: Good morning sir! Personal secretary says: Oh my God! Its morning sir
←Rate | 03-05-2018 03:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon How about A memorandum of understanding instead of marriage vows.
←Rate | 03-05-2018 09:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon In my fantasy you show up wearing nothing but a tool belt and fix the ceiling fan
←Rate | 03-05-2018 10:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do? Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that - wait, where are you going?
←Rate | 03-05-2018 10:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I still remember the day my father promoted me to general disappointment.
←Rate | 03-05-2018 10:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon And then my moral compass passed out.
←Rate | 03-05-2018 10:27 Comments (0)  

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