Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |   Oldest   |   Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump


Search Messages:
Page: 5705 of 5816

   messageicon You're not satisfied with your life? Complain about it on Facebook, God must be subscribed to your updates
←Rate | 04-04-2018 07:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My friend came over and left his laptop on the floor. My Housemaid thought it was a weighing scale. Conclusion: My Housemaid weighs 750 dollars.....
←Rate | 04-04-2018 07:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don’t look in a mirror, have a child draw you
←Rate | 04-04-2018 07:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The most effective way to remember your GF's birthday is to forget it once
←Rate | 04-04-2018 07:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Last night I ordered my whole dinner in French. Even the waiter was impressed, because it was a Chinese restaurant.
←Rate | 04-04-2018 08:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A non-smoker told me that with all the cigarette packs I bought, I could have bought a Ferrari with that money. My reply to him was "Where's your Ferrari?".
←Rate | 04-04-2018 15:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My virginity was protected for a long time by a force field or awkwardness.
←Rate | 04-05-2018 00:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Fun fact: Cops do not like to be told “You’re not the boss of me.”
←Rate | 04-05-2018 01:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A snail is just a booger wearing a crash helmet
←Rate | 04-05-2018 02:00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Can someone please play with my flux capacitor already?
←Rate | 04-05-2018 02:12 Comments (3)  


   messageicon Checked with my Sperm Bank to see my deposit was getting any interest..sadly they said Zero.
←Rate | 04-05-2018 16:51 by Bob Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dear kids snorting rubbers don't worry,, Your parents didn't know how to use them properly either...
←Rate | 04-05-2018 18:18 by SEAN Comments (3)  


   messageicon Fun fact: Hostess Twinkies are 88 years old. (4/06/30) They were first filled with banana cream filling. But change to a vanilla cream filling do to a banana rationing during WW II.
←Rate | 04-06-2018 20:33 by Funfact Comments (0)  


   messageicon "I'm building a wall around New Mexico too! I don't need any New Mexicans when I'm still trying to get rid of the old ones" - Donald Trump
←Rate | 04-06-2018 23:18 Comments (2)  


   messageicon I did 50 squats today and I still can't find my lighter!
←Rate | 04-07-2018 00:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I often wonder what tomatoes🍅 did to make the other fruits 🍇🍐🍊🍌to disown them and force them to live as vegetables🤔
←Rate | 04-07-2018 05:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon First time I’ve been up early for Saturday morning cartoons in awhile.
←Rate | 04-07-2018 12:01 by Smeebert Comments (0)  


   messageicon It is true, welfare checks are now 1/8 an inch bigger.
←Rate | 04-07-2018 13:08 Comments (1)  


   messageicon I was promised a bigger paycheck! Not in size!!!!!
←Rate | 04-08-2018 03:12 Comments (5)  


   messageicon I just started a club for people who hate people. I’m the only member. No you can’t join because I hate you.
←Rate | 04-08-2018 11:02 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  




Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Name:
Status Message:

... characters left