Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I have been on hold for the past ten minutes!! If I ever find the guy who invented automated telephone systems, I'm going to give him a choice - Press 1 to be kicked in the a$$, Press 2 to be pushed off a cliff or Press 3 to go to jail.
←Rate | 02-25-2018 08:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have a midget friend. He's epileptic and makes pizzas for a living. I call him "Little Seizures." I'm going to hell.
←Rate | 02-25-2018 09:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Like medicine, some people should only be allowed to talk in doses. Like 30 sentences three times a day.
←Rate | 02-25-2018 10:19 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I planted a loaf of Ezekiel bread. It grew into a tree filled with cuckoo birds quoting verses from the Old Testament.
←Rate | 02-25-2018 12:57 by Da-Lort Comments (0)  

   messageicon A night of insomnia is usually followed by a morning of browser history clearing
←Rate | 02-25-2018 13:10 by MDS Comments (0)  

   messageicon Mexican hookers plan to drill glory holes in Trump's wall.
←Rate | 02-25-2018 14:21 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Don't run with bagpipes, you could put an aye out. Or worse, you could get kilt.
←Rate | 02-25-2018 19:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon it me or people who moved to a warmer weather have nothin to say on their post expect weather??
←Rate | 02-25-2018 21:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Boobs are like the sun, you can take a quick look but it's dangerous to stare.
←Rate | 02-25-2018 23:57 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon A plumber's job can draining.
←Rate | 02-26-2018 00:01 by Jake Comments (3)  

   messageicon We don't appreciate all these redneck, inbreeding stereotypes. Ain't that right, Uncle Dad?
←Rate | 02-26-2018 00:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When we go shopping, my wife thinks that I am bored because I constantly keep looking at my phone
←Rate | 02-26-2018 04:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Shutting the hell up about your diet" is also a way of losing calories
←Rate | 02-26-2018 04:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There was a time when Women used to dress to to impress men these days Women dress to irritate other Women
←Rate | 02-26-2018 04:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I am really not surprised that there are not many women race car drivers, Women drive all over town like race car drivers anyway
←Rate | 02-26-2018 04:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Mom: you're all dressed up, where are you going? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new picture for my facebook profile.
←Rate | 02-26-2018 04:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The best way to make your kids understand the whole idea of paying taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream
←Rate | 02-26-2018 04:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have a terrible fear of speed bumps but I'm slowly getting over it.
←Rate | 02-26-2018 06:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If life was a YouTube video, Monday would be that annoying ad that doesn't have the "You can skip in 5 seconds" option.
←Rate | 02-26-2018 06:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Being single is like "Do you want to eat this? We're just going to throw it away." (...Wow, thanks. I feel so special!)
←Rate | 02-26-2018 09:09 Comments (0)  

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