Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Be careful of those who pat you on the back. They might be looking for a soft spot to plant the knife
←Rate | 03-01-2018 04:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ironically, the people you meet by accident are often the ones who become an important part of your life
←Rate | 03-01-2018 04:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store
←Rate | 03-01-2018 04:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon 29th Feb would have been an ideal day to get married.......imagine the money you can save from buying anniversary gifts
←Rate | 03-01-2018 04:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Of all the words that sound dirty but aren't, I think "kumquat" is my favorite.
←Rate | 03-01-2018 07:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Guns are incapable of losing their minds... but people sure are.
←Rate | 03-01-2018 10:58 by Fazbeinder Comments (0)  

   messageicon Pro Tip: Dryer sheets double as toilet paper and leave your ass smelling like lavender rain drops!
←Rate | 03-01-2018 14:07 by JohnY Comments (0)  

   messageicon Knowledge is knowing what to say. Wisdom is knowing when to say it.
←Rate | 03-01-2018 16:50 by Justathought Comments (0)  

   messageicon Fun fact: In Mountclair Ca. it's now illegal to cross the street while talking on a cell phone.
←Rate | 03-02-2018 08:22 Comments (2)  

   messageicon I don't wanna say my ex thinks her sh*t doesn't stink, but she sent a couple of her turds to Febreze suggesting they make an air freshener out of them.
←Rate | 03-02-2018 09:13 by Fazbeinder Comments (0)  

   messageicon You should be allowed to pet a dog without having to say a word to the owner.
←Rate | 03-02-2018 14:56 by @kisstopher707 Comments (3)  

   messageicon Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage? Because they are tired of using their own.
←Rate | 03-03-2018 00:57 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon A police officer came up to me yesterday and said, "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "Kindergarten." I need bail money now
←Rate | 03-03-2018 03:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I farted in Wallmart and the lady next to me asked what kind of perfume I was wearing
←Rate | 03-03-2018 03:43 Comments (1)  

   messageicon The Best Excuse given by a Lady for Missing Work ! "My husband took an overdose of Viagra.....Couldn't leave him alone with the Maid"
←Rate | 03-03-2018 03:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I thought the trick to makeup was to make it look like you not wearing any and not to look like you shoved your face in a bowl of nacho cheese sauce
←Rate | 03-03-2018 03:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon How come "you're a peach" is a complement but "you're bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
←Rate | 03-03-2018 06:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Actually, officer, I prefer to think that weed smells like me.
←Rate | 03-03-2018 06:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The grocery store in my neighborhood needs to repaint the parking lot near the door to show where the "Just Lazy" parking is.
←Rate | 03-03-2018 08:48 by markf Comments (1)  

   messageicon Resistance is not Futile ... it is Voltage over Current
←Rate | 03-03-2018 08:56 Comments (0)  

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