Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon If someone doesn't get started on my laundry soon I'll be wearing a suit to cut the grass tomorrow morning
←Rate | 02-23-2018 15:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate arriving early, I hate showing up late, but what I really hate having to be there
←Rate | 02-23-2018 15:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Maybe you can't teach an old dog new tricks because he thinks they are stupid
←Rate | 02-23-2018 15:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Most people say they are in favor of free speech until you say something they don't like
←Rate | 02-23-2018 15:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think the best way to fight insomnia is redecorate my bedroom to look like Ms. Stewart's 10th grade math class
←Rate | 02-23-2018 15:53 by markf Comments (0)  

   messageicon I can't wait till I retire so I can get up at 6 am and drive everywhere slow AF.
←Rate | 02-23-2018 23:39 by Gripenfelter Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have my headphones on at the Gym, but judging by the reactions, that was an audible fart
←Rate | 02-24-2018 05:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Mark Zuckerburg owns Instagram, Facebook and Whatsapp. All he needs now is Twitter then he owns all of our little secrets
←Rate | 02-24-2018 05:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Women drivers! I was behind one on my way home from work and she indicated to turn left and what does she go and do? She actually turns left! How am I supposed to prepare myself with these effing mind games?!
←Rate | 02-24-2018 05:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The only 2 things that I love and enjoy about being an adult is having sex and drinking alcohol.
←Rate | 02-24-2018 06:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Her: Just relax and be yourself. Me: No, you're going to have to pick one or the other.
←Rate | 02-24-2018 07:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Drinking always starts out as the best idea you’ve ever had.
←Rate | 02-24-2018 07:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Last night on the TV I saw a blurry dark image of an old fat man holding his willie. Then I realised the TV was turn off.
←Rate | 02-24-2018 22:09 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon My memaw suffers from furniture disease. Her chest has fallen into her drawers.
←Rate | 02-24-2018 22:17 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon After my doctor's exam. He gave me a 30 day supply of some pills. And said that I'll need to take them for the rest of my life. I said that's not so bad. He said yea it is, you won't need a refill prescription.
←Rate | 02-24-2018 22:55 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon What does "colder than hell" mean? Isn't everyplace colder than hell?
←Rate | 02-24-2018 23:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm so old, that I stopped buying green bananas.
←Rate | 02-24-2018 23:34 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wonder if D was told the brain was an app, he start using it.
←Rate | 02-25-2018 00:53 by 25the45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have been on hold for the past ten minutes!! If I ever find the guy who invented automated telephone systems, I'm going to give him a choice - Press 1 to be kicked in the a$$, Press 2 to be pushed off a cliff or Press 3 to go to jail.
←Rate | 02-25-2018 08:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have a midget friend. He's epileptic and makes pizzas for a living. I call him "Little Seizures." I'm going to hell.
←Rate | 02-25-2018 09:20 Comments (0)  

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