Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon If your butt cheeks were horizonal you would applaud every time you ran up the stairs.
←Rate | 03-27-2018 22:46 by Jake Comments (4)  

   messageicon If you're going to open a strip club. Don't name it the G spot. Because men will never be able to find it.
←Rate | 03-27-2018 22:50 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Men at 20 play football, at 40 tennis, at 60 golf. Notice as they get older their balls get smaller.
←Rate | 03-27-2018 23:15 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't mind that my wife goes out to play bingo every night. It's the coming back home part that bothers me.
←Rate | 03-28-2018 00:05 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon I remember with fondness what grandpa used to always say at family reunions. He'd shout, "WHAT THE HELL'S A KLONDIKE BAR?"
←Rate | 03-28-2018 10:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Yesterday I bought a pack of two pillow cases but when I opened it there was only one. What a sham!
←Rate | 03-28-2018 11:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, they would be your fed ex.
←Rate | 03-28-2018 13:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You can't have manslaughter without laughter.
←Rate | 03-28-2018 13:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "i'll let you know" = I need more time to come up with an excuse
←Rate | 03-28-2018 14:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Maybe the mattress stores could tell us when they are NOT having a sale
←Rate | 03-28-2018 22:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Whenever I am feeling down I check my junk folder and read all the Congratulations! emails
←Rate | 03-28-2018 22:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Make sure you wear a fake moustache on your first day at a new job so everyone will think you are the undercover boss
←Rate | 03-28-2018 23:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon This might be the first time in history a husband can justify porn in his browser history. Thanks, Trump!
←Rate | 03-28-2018 23:52 by PettyTHilton Comments (0)  

   messageicon Single men: To keep on enjoying your carefree life, never utter the words "I DO"
←Rate | 03-29-2018 01:16 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Do dogs in Mexico speak Espaniel?
←Rate | 03-29-2018 08:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hello. HP? I'd like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.
←Rate | 03-29-2018 08:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's pretty bad when Playboy deletes their FB page because they don't want to be associated with "low values"
←Rate | 03-29-2018 10:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it my illegal logging operation is a success.
←Rate | 03-29-2018 14:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Fun fact: If you cut off all the hair on your body and laid it end to end...You'd be some kind of weirdo.
←Rate | 03-29-2018 15:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Parental Pro-tip...Having trouble waking up your teenager? Unplug and pick up their phone. It wakes them up instantly
←Rate | 03-29-2018 16:04 Comments (0)  

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