Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I went to my proctologist and as I was bending over I heard him say "calm down Smith, calm down Smith" I looked back and told him "Doctor, my last name is Green, not Smith" and he said "I know, Smith is me"

   it considered cheating if you have to kiss your boss' ass?

   heard some thunder yesterday & it wasn't even raining. I guess what I'm really trying to say here is that Stevie Nicks is full of crap.

   wonders who wants to a fairy princess when it's so much more fun to be the wicked queen

   gathering Kardashians to throw at you.

   Sometimes I miss you so much,I just want to rip you out of my dreams and hug you!

   Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar

   Middle school- "shut up, it was a dare!" High school- "shut up, I was drunk!"

   I remember the good old days when Nigerians were just scamming people on the internet...

   I just got a text saying... I'm Not The Girl Ur Mother Warned you About,,, Her Imagination Was Never This Good. Umm... you wanna come over?

   Snooki look like a retarded version of Kim kardashian

   MSN has an article asking "is it time to break up with your doctor"? Any time you feel two hands on your shoulders during your rectal exam.

   A Tibetian Mastiff was sold in China for 600,000 dollars. You can buy the same dog in Vietnam for 5 dollars and it includes a side of fries and a drink.

   Behind every successful man is a woman. She's behind him because he's running away from the crazy b1tch as fast as he can.

   I was in the work canteen the other day and started shaking salt all over my chicken. My work colleague looked over and said, "Would you like some chicken to go with that salt?" I replied, "Would you like some laughter to go with that joke?"

   People learn from history... which is why you should always delete it.

   Having a favorite homeless person is weird, right?

   My wife said that she's going to leave me. But before she does, she is going to make sure that my bank balance is $0. That's nice of her, paying off my overdraft.

   Aplogizing is like "whiteout". It covers the problem, but its still there.

   Let's chug on down to Mambie-Pambie Land where we can MAYBE get you some Self-Confidence.... YOU JackWagon!!! (TISSUE??)