Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Drink a full big glass of FOX News Kool Aid to maintain that blissfully ignorant anti-American Republican frame of mind.
←Rate | 01-29-2018 15:52 Comments (8)  

   messageicon I thought about buying Hillary Clinton's latest book until Amazon suggested that people who bought this item also bought boots, plastic sheeting, lye, and shovels
←Rate | 01-29-2018 16:13 Comments (7)  

   messageicon So like, this baby mosquito flew for the first time and when he got home his Mom said "How did it go?" and the baby mosquito said "Pretty good I guess. Everybody was clapping for me."
←Rate | 01-29-2018 21:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I sneak into hospitals and kiss coma patients.
←Rate | 01-30-2018 03:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Two girls riding their bikes on a cobble stone road. 1st girl: I never came this way before. 2nd girl: Me neither. It must be the cobble stones.
←Rate | 01-30-2018 03:57 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon How can fish get high? With seaweed.
←Rate | 01-30-2018 04:12 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon My New Years resolution for losing weight starts in February 2018, January was spent looking for a decent diet plan ! #strong
←Rate | 01-30-2018 06:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hey, if it doesn't work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever
←Rate | 01-30-2018 06:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Did anyone in their wildest dreams even imagine that Donald and Mickey would run America one day!? Walt Disney would be proud of this!
←Rate | 01-30-2018 06:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don't serve breakfast?
←Rate | 01-30-2018 06:59 Comments (1)  

   messageicon That silly moment when your gas tank is on 'E' and you turn the music off like it's going to save gas
←Rate | 01-30-2018 07:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I got an e-mail from a woman that read, "I need you to come plow my field.... squeeze my melons.... touch my yams...and play with my peach!" I was getting ALL excited until I realized it was just an invitation to play Farmville
←Rate | 01-30-2018 07:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm still young at heart. The problem is, the rest of me is old.
←Rate | 01-30-2018 09:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon 3 stages of marriage. 1.engagement ring. 2. wedding ring. 3. suffer ring.
←Rate | 01-30-2018 12:04 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon A new study says that a lot of people will believe anything that starts out by saying a new study says.
←Rate | 01-30-2018 13:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon instead of clapping at the state of the union they should yell "Dilly Dilly"
←Rate | 01-30-2018 21:28 by barber Comments (2)  

   messageicon When life gives you a hundred reasons not to go to work today.....don't argue with it
←Rate | 01-31-2018 04:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Behind every beautiful song is a person who really shouldn't sing it out loud in public
←Rate | 01-31-2018 04:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Guess all those years of phone sex have caught up with me, I have hearing aids
←Rate | 01-31-2018 04:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just made me some synonym rolls. Just like grammar used to make.
←Rate | 01-31-2018 05:07 Comments (0)  

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