Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Some of you females will never be half the women your dad was..
←Rate | 01-28-2018 09:33 by @slopoker21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Did you hear why Rosie O'Donnell got arrested? Airport security lifted up her dress and found 200 pounds of crack.
←Rate | 01-28-2018 18:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think my dog needs training school because he rudely yawned in the middle of my stories.
←Rate | 01-28-2018 20:03 by markf Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just want to point out that I am an Amazon Prime member so it's about time you guys started treating me with a little respect.
←Rate | 01-28-2018 20:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I keep my credit cards in the refrigerator so they stay fresh past their expiration dates
←Rate | 01-28-2018 20:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I am now at the age that I understand the joy on game shows when someone wins new kitchen appliances
←Rate | 01-28-2018 20:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ths girl tweeted "your adorable" and I tweeted back "no, YOU'RE adorable" and now I think she completely missed the typo
←Rate | 01-28-2018 20:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I guess I should watch the Grammys to see who our next President will be.
←Rate | 01-28-2018 20:44 by barber Comments (0)  

   messageicon You can have a salad on the side but just make sure your significant other salad nevers finds out
←Rate | 01-28-2018 20:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Cinderella is really a creepy story once you realize she had some odd foot deformity that meant no one else in the kingdom could wear her slipper
←Rate | 01-28-2018 20:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife likes to leave her shoes by the back door, so it always looks like 49 women with the same shoe size are over for a visit
←Rate | 01-28-2018 20:56 Comments (2)  

   messageicon Last night my refrigerator opened my bedroom door, walked in and stood there and stared at me for a few minuntes, then left and closed the door
←Rate | 01-28-2018 21:00 by markf Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why is Matthew McConaughey still on my tv in car commercial form? Have we learned nothing from our mistakes?
←Rate | 01-28-2018 21:17 by Cicci Comments (1)  

   messageicon Seriously its 2018, no one laughs at a joke, you just say LOL or like it and move on, we got no time to laugh !
←Rate | 01-29-2018 03:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you cannot afford GYM membership, you can at least afford a Deodorant!
←Rate | 01-29-2018 05:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My Wife Rachel like tall slim guys, and I like older & shorter women. Neither of one of us are what we thought our type was yet & still we're living happily ever after together. Our type has changed into what we see in each other.
←Rate | 01-29-2018 05:40 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Some girls be claiming "hes my world" but this is your fourth "world" in 2 months. My sister, are you building a solar system??
←Rate | 01-29-2018 06:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm selling my browser history on eBay before the government does.
←Rate | 01-29-2018 06:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Some guy knocked on my door earlier today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour." I replied, "You've got the wrong house then mate."
←Rate | 01-29-2018 12:46 by trickz100 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Happiness is the best drug on earth and I want to be the number one drug dealer
←Rate | 01-29-2018 14:24 by L Comments (0)  

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