Funny Status Messages

   Whenever I ask "Why me?... a voice always says, "So, who else did you have in mind?"

   the one they are referring to when they say "there's one in every crowd..."

   Some of you make impulsive, poorly thought out decisions. We should hang out more.

   I'm wondering what kind of loser spends Thursday night drinking and bragging about it on Facebook? Anyway, I'm totally drunk.

   Dear life, When I asked if my day could get worse it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.

   There's something about the Smart Car that makes me want to beat it up and take it's lunch money.

   Apparently "some assembly required" is IKEA for "here's a pine tree and some nails."

   You know what is the difference between promises and memories? We break promises, whereas memories break us.

   "Side effects may include constipation or diarrhea." So what you're saying is I may or may not give a sh*t.

   I love it when the one actually insane person in the office says, "call me crazy, but.." Because we totally DO!

   Nothing pisses me off like a bird WALKING across a street. No it's cool. I'll wait. BTW You can FLY dumb@ss!

   Making a pot of coffee so I can get ready to go out and have coffee.

   Sometimes I drive between lanes and pretend my car is Pacman gobbling up the dashed lines.

   The first thing I do on a computer that doesn't belong to me is go on Craigslist and see if the Casual Encounters link is purple or blue.

   Dead fish washed onto "Jersey Shore" cast's beach. The slimy, oft-horizontal twitching creatures say they feel bad for the fish....

   JaMarcus Russell has admitted failing a drug test. It's all explained in his new book "Eat Pray Eat Love Eat Chug Purple Drank Eat".

   Alcohol doesn't solve any problems; but then again, neither does milk.

   So, I guess the FDA has approved the "week-after" pill - the perfect remedy for those not so skilled at time/pants management...

   Maybe it's just me, but I think throwing rocks and feces at Tila Tequila officially renders you a member of the Sane Clown Posse.

   thinks Elvis is the only King to actually die on his throne...(flush...sfx)