Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Time to practice changing 7's into 8's
←Rate | 01-02-2018 19:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Lindsay Lohan bitten by snake while on vacation in Thailand" I can't get my head around how a snake can be that organized
←Rate | 01-02-2018 20:06 by markf Comments (0)  

   messageicon If we aren't supposed to be too close to the microwave then why do they show us food twirling around in there?
←Rate | 01-02-2018 20:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Pink grapefruit extreme close-up, you’re welcome.
←Rate | 01-03-2018 02:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just Love the gym this time of year. The new members make me look like an endurance freak
←Rate | 01-03-2018 04:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I dropped my KFC at the treadmill and now they are revoking my Gym membership, how unreasonable
←Rate | 01-03-2018 04:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I love finding money in my clothes after wash…..its like a gift from me
←Rate | 01-03-2018 04:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A bad attitude is like a flat tire. You can’t go anywhere until you change it.
←Rate | 01-03-2018 05:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The people that are trying to make the world worse never take a day off, why should I? Light up the darkness.
←Rate | 01-03-2018 05:54 Comments (1)  

   messageicon When you have more than what you need, build a longer table, not a higher fence.
←Rate | 01-03-2018 05:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm not ignoring your call, I just get so excited when I see the caller ID I faint!
←Rate | 01-03-2018 12:41 by JohnY Comments (0)  

   messageicon One good thing about this winter snow storm, is it makes my lawn look as good as my neighbors.
←Rate | 01-03-2018 14:12 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

   messageicon It was so cold today, I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.
←Rate | 01-03-2018 21:21 by Gil Comments (0)  

   messageicon What a beautiful country, shame about all the Libtards.
←Rate | 01-04-2018 01:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You'll never be the man your mother is.
←Rate | 01-04-2018 01:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Eat chocolate pudding all the time, everywhere you go. Use chopsticks and a diaper as a bowl.
←Rate | 01-04-2018 01:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon That one sounded like a dirt bike with a bad muffler.
←Rate | 01-04-2018 01:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's 2018 so that means the millennium is legal.
←Rate | 01-04-2018 05:49 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon In California, ever day is now 420
←Rate | 01-04-2018 06:25 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon The Gym was so crowded today I had to skip my workout. Fortunately, the line at KFC was shorter than usual. Already in Love with New Year's resolution
←Rate | 01-04-2018 06:27 Comments (0)  

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