Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   hard liquor because I don't don't have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day

   Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.

   I’m at my most MacGyver when something is stuck in my teeth.

   a lot of younger folks won’t remember this but before 9/11 you were allowed to grill your own meats on airplanes

   Having your favorite band come and visit you in the hospital is a good indication that you are going to die.

   Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your best friend” was the wrong answer.

   I'm so stressed out that I've started sniffing glue. It's the only thing holding me together.

   If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

   In my time, real men did not smoke cigarettes with batteries.

   * 21st century where deleting history is more important than making it.

   My internet went down yesterday. I think my neighbor forgot to pay the bill. How irresponsible...

   I find it annoying when old people poke me at wedding and say "you'll be next." So I started to do the same thing to them at funerals.

   Me: I have fillings for you. Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: I'm married and I'm your Dentist...

   If this new pair of camo crocs doesn't get me laid tonight, nothing will.

   Me: She really needs to calm down. Alcohol: You should tell her.

   I paused “Crazy Train” during the guitar solo to listen to you, so don’t tell me I’m not taking this relationship seriously!

   Stop talking about the Royal Wedding, your cats are sick of hearing about it.

   I've been trying to decide if I care less about the royal wedding or the Laurel-Yanny nonsense.

   America going straight into 'thoughts & prayers' Groundhog Day mode after yet another mass school shooting.

   I watched 30 minutes of Kong: Skull Island on TV, which was more than enough to confirm why I don't waste money on movies anymore.