Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dogs love you even if you’re ugly.

   How to Find the Leaker in 4 Steps: 1) Close your eyes 2) Stand in front of a mirror 3) Open your eyes 4) There’s your leaker!

   In Trump's opinion, his staff member who made fun of John McCain's terminal illness isn't a "traitor," but the people who told the press about it are.

   I just scrolled so far back on Facebook's Timeline it logged me back onto MySpace

   Seriously, if the earth was flat, cats would have pushed everything off of it by now.

   When I see names and hearts carved into a tree I don't think it's cute. I just think it's strange how many people take knives on a date.

   They can't prove none of your pants fit anymore if you never wear pants.

   Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.

   If you can't handle me at my [vomits] Then you don't deserve me at my [passes out]

   As a double leg amputee I have to keep positive . I may have lost both legs , but l was only "de-feeted "

   Just because it's considered cool to recycle rubbish nowadays, it doesn't mean it's cool to give your cheating ex another chance.

   I wish the weekend came as fast as my ex did.

   Hello, 911, I am calling about this African American family, The Jeffersons. I want to complain that they finally got a piece of the pie.

   Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit!"

   My wife just told me that I need to grow up. I was speechless, but it is kinda hard to talk with 45 Gummie Bears in your mouth.

   I was once in a band called Click Bait. You won't believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.

   Happy 32nd birthday to "Top Gun". need4speed

   A woman arrested for prostitution. Judge: How do you plead? Woman: Not guilty. I'm a sales woman. Judge: What do you sell ? Woman: Condoms with a free demontration.

   My 10 year old: Lands 14 platsic water bottle flips in a row, can't hit laundry basket with dirty socks.

   "Hello ICE? There are people speaking spanish in NYC."