Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Dave came into the bar last night visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much, quit counting them
←Rate | 02-10-2018 08:13 by MDS Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wonder what the inventor of the drawing board said when his first design didn’t work out.
←Rate | 02-10-2018 08:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Justin Bieber is coming out with an 'Unplugged album'? I hope it's the microphone that they unplug.
←Rate | 02-10-2018 10:50 Comments (1)  

   messageicon My dog is not a good guard dog, so I replaced him. I really feel stupid barking at the postman.
←Rate | 02-10-2018 17:23 by Jake Comments (1)  

   messageicon Two girls talking. 1st girl: I've been ask lots of times to get married. 2nd girl: Was it by the same guy? 1st girl: No, by my mother.
←Rate | 02-10-2018 17:29 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon If your full name was Elongated Musketeer then you would probably shorten it, too
←Rate | 02-10-2018 20:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Some of my friends say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They say things like "Hey dude we are over here you don't even know those people"
←Rate | 02-10-2018 20:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I can't believe this stupid fly just zoomed in my car before a long trip. Have fun living in Boston, stupid little fly
←Rate | 02-10-2018 20:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Boss called and wants a meeting, asks how does 3:00 sound? BONG BONG BONG, silly boss
←Rate | 02-10-2018 20:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Everybody thinks its so great that Michelangelo painted the chapel ceiling on his back but nobody talks about how long his arms were
←Rate | 02-10-2018 20:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife as not spoke to me for the past three days since our fight. That saying silence is golden is so true.
←Rate | 02-10-2018 20:58 Comments (3)  

   messageicon Wife nudged me awake "I can hear noises downstairs" so said "so what, I can hear noises downstairs or upstairs"
←Rate | 02-10-2018 21:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I used to like to eat footlong subs, but the periscopes always stuck in my teeth
←Rate | 02-10-2018 21:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If zombies eat the living and vultures eat the dead, what do zombie vultures eat and what do you mean this isn't an emergency, 911 operator?
←Rate | 02-11-2018 01:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know that game where your hands made a church and steeple, and you opened it up to see the people? Why the hell didn't it bother anyone that the people were all being hung from the rafters like a mass suicide?
←Rate | 02-11-2018 01:28 Comments (2)  

   messageicon Today I ended a long relationship. Yeah.....I’m okay, I'm not really upset or anything though, it wasn't even mine.
←Rate | 02-11-2018 11:09 Comments (1)  

   messageicon According to my neighbor's diary, I have boundary issues.
←Rate | 02-11-2018 11:10 by RC Comments (0)  

   messageicon Beginning to question my plans to go yachting with Robert Wagner this weekend.
←Rate | 02-11-2018 14:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I want to start a support organization for pets that are forced to be emotional supports for humans
←Rate | 02-11-2018 22:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm glad for Justin Beiber and conrats to him on his new "unplugged" show. Personally I think every pop stars' act seems more relaxed and genuine once their b utt pl ug is removed.
←Rate | 02-11-2018 22:21 Comments (2)  

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