Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon As a high school student, I think I was bitten by a radioactive sloth
←Rate | 01-10-2018 17:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon One day all of your earthly possessions will be destroyed ... that day comes when your child turns 2
←Rate | 01-10-2018 18:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If by "cruches" you mean the sound potato chips make when I eat them, then yes, certainly I do crunches
←Rate | 01-10-2018 18:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Changed Siri voice to male. ME: Siri, which way to the beach? SIRI: Dude just keep driving until you see a lot of water.
←Rate | 01-10-2018 18:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Anybody have a treadmill for sale? My closet is full and I need more space to hang my clothes
←Rate | 01-11-2018 03:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Understanding women is simple. No means no. Maybe means no. And no means yes
←Rate | 01-11-2018 03:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you can't win an argument with someone, correct their grammar instead
←Rate | 01-11-2018 03:23 Comments (2)  

   messageicon "Turn right at the next corner and your destination shall be on your left. But dwell not upon the destination, for it is the journey which is important." - Zen GPS
←Rate | 01-11-2018 07:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon French onion soup is just regular onion soup that doesn’t shave its armpits
←Rate | 01-11-2018 10:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I should probably return these videos to Blockbuster.
←Rate | 01-11-2018 12:44 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon i went to the doctors this morning and accidentally left my phone at home, now I know how Kevin McCallister's parents from home alone felt.
←Rate | 01-11-2018 16:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I realized I wasn't my parents favorite kid when they ask me to help blow up ballonns for my twin brother's surprise birthday party.
←Rate | 01-11-2018 20:40 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon A man's home is his castle. Untill the queen comes home.
←Rate | 01-11-2018 20:43 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Neighbor are the only one who lissen to both side of an argument.
←Rate | 01-11-2018 20:45 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Women have better minds then men because the keep changing their minds.
←Rate | 01-11-2018 20:49 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon A dog can only be as proportionally smart as its owner. So, if you're a mouth-breathing knuckle-dragger, there's no hope for you, and even less for your dog.
←Rate | 01-11-2018 21:57 by Mutts-For-Mensa Comments (0)  

   messageicon A cop stopped me and asked "Do you know why I followed you" so I said "because my tweets are funny" We laughed and high-fived & now I'm in Jail
←Rate | 01-12-2018 03:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know you're getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you're down there
←Rate | 01-12-2018 03:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon No Offence but I find it funny when deaf people get scared when i'm yawning infront of them
←Rate | 01-12-2018 03:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My Ex was so ugly that when she went to a nude beach she was asked to cover her face
←Rate | 01-12-2018 03:50 Comments (0)  

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