Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

   Judging from the size of Popeye's forearms, I'm guessing that Olive Oyl didn't put out much.

   If you're pausing for dramatic effect.... just keep it going

   My R&B playlist is dangerous. It almost guarantees pregnancy

   I can stop seeing my therapist now and just spend more time at Target reading the advice on the throw pillows

   You know a restaurant must be serving bad food when you see a mouse throwing up in the restroom.

   Ironic that my kids can't remember to say the "please" word but boy do they remember the word I used that one time in heavy traffic last year.

   I've watched so much Shark Tank that now I decline by saying "And for that reason, I'm out."

   The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.

   I'm at my highest dad level when I see a toddler stroking a cat in the wrong direction.

   I'm not really sure I want this gas pump to know what zip code I live in

   My biggest problem with thieves is that they take things literally.

   Gave my boss a mother's day card. Because "he" is one of the top ten mothers on my list.

   When you see Olivia Munn in a movie trailer, you can almost hear a toilet flushing in your mind.

   "Let me clear my calendar for the royal wedding on 19th May" - said no one ever.

   Imagine how out of control drinking would if we didn't have hangovers!?!

   Happy hour leads to several hours of lying on the floor talking to my dog.

   "Give me fuel, give me fire, give me the nap that I desire!" - realistic Metallica

   Trump said the Iran agreement was the worst deal ever...... Guess he forgot his $130,000 deal with Stormy

   Trump is such a horrible politician. I can't believe that he's actually doing what he promised he would do before the election.