Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon So according to CNN and Sky News, 2017 was the 2nd wettest year on record. Personally I blame "Fifty Shades of Grey"
←Rate | 01-05-2018 03:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Today I noticed that the cover of my ironing board was wrinkled, and I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of the word "irony."
←Rate | 01-05-2018 07:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Use the forceps, Luke!" -Obi Gyn Kenobi
←Rate | 01-05-2018 08:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Lindsay Lohan bitten by snake while on vacation in Thailand. After hours of rolling around in unspeakable agony the snake finally died.
←Rate | 01-05-2018 08:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What costs hundreds of millions of dollars but is worthless? 2nd place in a presidential election.
←Rate | 01-05-2018 15:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's sad when the best looking girl from Texas happens to be Sandy Cheeks from Spongebob Squarepants.
←Rate | 01-05-2018 15:10 Comments (3)  

   messageicon Never laugh at your wife's choices. You are one of them.
←Rate | 01-05-2018 17:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It’s Thursday… or as I like to call it, “Day 4 of the hostage situation.”
←Rate | 01-05-2018 19:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon FOX & Friends? Who in their right mind would want to be friends with FOX? It's a lie, FOX has no friends.
←Rate | 01-05-2018 19:58 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Two F-words rednecks can't stand: Fire & Fury.
←Rate | 01-05-2018 20:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There sure were a lot of lesbian nuns in the 70s.
←Rate | 01-05-2018 22:13 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Take it to the next level. Fire and Fury audiobook narrated by Hillary Clinton.
←Rate | 01-05-2018 22:58 Comments (4)  

   messageicon Babies cry at night to prevent their parents from making another one.
←Rate | 01-06-2018 00:34 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon my new years resolution is to try to actually finish someth
←Rate | 01-06-2018 01:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Winter storm named Grayson sounds like it should be wearing a tweed jacket
←Rate | 01-06-2018 02:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There is a company called Kia and a company called Nokia. I’m not sure who to believe
←Rate | 01-06-2018 05:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Someone should open a Gym in just the month of January and call it "resolutions"
←Rate | 01-06-2018 05:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Husband and wife are in bed watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire". The husband asks for sex. The wife says, "No." Her husband asks, "Is that your final answer?" She responds, "Yes." He says, "Then, Id like to phone a friend."
←Rate | 01-06-2018 05:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just got scammed out of $15. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money.
←Rate | 01-06-2018 05:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Guys, if you're not married, but thinking about it, remember; a wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and the house is gone.
←Rate | 01-06-2018 08:22 Comments (0)  

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