Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm sorry I'm late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering WTF it was protecting its eyes from

   I like how Reese's come with two peanut butter cups in the package. That way I can eat one now and then the other one right afterwards.

   If at frist you don't succeed........ Read the instructions

   I don't always know what my wife is saying....... She can talk 50% faster than I can listen

   Score steam: The steam on a lucky teenage boy's car windows

   I got kicked out of the boy scouts for eating a browine

   People should mute themselves on conference calls when they are crossing a battlefield and killing enemies to get to the next level.

   I am looking at this online special deal at Disneyworld and thinking no, my kids can annoy me just fine right here at home.

   Kanye West is a genius? In other worthless news, I am also a genius in the eyes of my dogs and cats.

   Don't piss off old people. The older they get, the less Life In Prison becomes a deterrent.

   Now Kim Kardashian asks Trump to pardon her drug dealing grandmother. There is indeed method to Kanye West's madness.

   As much as noise as this smoke detector makes, I think I would prefer to wake up on fire

   Who knew that you get sex with a porn star on layaway

   I went to the zoo today and saw the elephants . . . but I don't want to TALK about it!

   When we were younger my wife got a dolphin tattoo on her butt...... It's now a whale

   When I phone the child abuse hotline a kid answered the phone and told me to piss off.

   How could he be the Lone Ranger if Tonto was always with him

   A woman's marriage proposal........ I'm pregnant

   A scarecrow is outstanding in his field.

   There should be a book "What to expect after marriage" for the bridegroom.