Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon The movie HOME ALONE would never work now. What kid is going to look up from his smartphone after 10 hours and realize no one is around?
←Rate | 12-16-2017 07:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Do you ever duck your head when driving fast into an underground parking garage? I'm like that all the time.
←Rate | 12-16-2017 07:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon there a pack of wild dogs attacking my child, or are there peas touching his mashed potatoes? I can't tell.
←Rate | 12-16-2017 07:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Me, as a kid: This is stupid, we should get the whole week off. Me, as a parent: Why do the schools close on the day AFTER Thanksgiving too?
←Rate | 12-16-2017 07:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I have to explain to my husband WHY I am angry with him, then what's the point?
←Rate | 12-16-2017 08:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The best part of Armageddon is that I can stop doing this laundry now.
←Rate | 12-16-2017 08:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
←Rate | 12-16-2017 08:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "I'm not like other girls", she whispered into the mirror while combing her hair with the claw end of a hammer.
←Rate | 12-16-2017 11:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Gotta love Amazon wish lists, it's like saying "it's the thought that counts, so long as you only buy me exactly what I want.
←Rate | 12-16-2017 11:35 by JoshS Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't believe the BS about GMO'S being bad for you ! I just had a leg of Salmon and it was delicious .
←Rate | 12-16-2017 23:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The saddest part in Star Wars history: People rating The Last Jedi low because their shyt fantheories didn't come true.
←Rate | 12-17-2017 00:29 Comments (4)  

   messageicon Since the 2nd amendment gives me the right to bear arms. I cut the sleeves off all of my shirts.
←Rate | 12-17-2017 00:50 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Maybe if we tell some people that their brain is an app they'll start using it.
←Rate | 12-17-2017 08:10 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier lady at the 7-Eleven last night. Hope I don't catch Slurpees.
←Rate | 12-18-2017 06:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There should be a reality TV show where anti-capitalist millennials are questioned about what kind of government they want and then sent to a country that closely resembles their version as closely as possible and forced to live there for a few months.
←Rate | 12-18-2017 06:57 Comments (4)  

   messageicon I decided to use Craigslist to do all my Christmas shopping. Look's like everyone's getting used couches this year.
←Rate | 12-18-2017 07:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You bring everyone a lot of joy, when you leave the room.
←Rate | 12-18-2017 10:54 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I don't care what we have for Christmas dinner as long as it's lasagna.
←Rate | 12-19-2017 04:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon its christmas time. lets see some funnies and not democratic bull
←Rate | 12-19-2017 05:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Want to see somethine scary? When your house is full of teenagers for the holidays, unplug your wi-fi.
←Rate | 12-19-2017 11:09 by markf Comments (0)  

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