Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Ladies, if you wait until your 30s to donate your eggs, they'll tell you no and that you'll have to find another way to finance your kitchen remodeling project.
←Rate | 12-14-2017 08:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I need a Café Mocha Valium Latte.
←Rate | 12-14-2017 09:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why is it said that an alarm clock is going off when really it's coming on?
←Rate | 12-14-2017 09:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What people need are Café Mocha Marijuana Latte's. . .
←Rate | 12-14-2017 09:27 by JAB Comments (0)  

   messageicon Does this mean we'll have to pay more to access webpages that were free?
←Rate | 12-14-2017 18:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Before we start having any hope for the future of humanity, we should really look into how Women park Cars
←Rate | 12-15-2017 06:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My brother-in-law likes to brag how he always eats right, exercises, doesn't smoke or drink, sees his doctor every year for a checkup etc. I told him that someday he is going to look awful stupid lying in a hospital dying from nothing.
←Rate | 12-15-2017 08:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The Meaning of Life is simply to give your Life Meaning.
←Rate | 12-15-2017 11:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A friend with weed is a friend in need of rehab.
←Rate | 12-15-2017 11:39 by Mr.Conservative Comments (0)  

   messageicon Darth Vader: The first black guy to admit he's the father.
←Rate | 12-15-2017 11:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's better to be kissed by a fool than to be fooled by a kiss.
←Rate | 12-15-2017 13:59 by @BlackieBino1 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you're in a relationship. I don't know why you feel the need to upload 10 selfies a day. Look at your boyfriend instead of a camera
←Rate | 12-16-2017 06:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think people should make New Years resolutions for NO MORE SELFIES IN BATHROOMS, Seriously you and your toilet are not sexy
←Rate | 12-16-2017 06:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A Woman Finding Out AFTER Long Search On Net That..... "Phillip's 21 Inch" Was Actually Just a T.V.
←Rate | 12-16-2017 06:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The best part of paying $49 for this new toy for my son's Christmas present is knowing how happy some other kid will be in 3 months when we donate it to a thrift store
←Rate | 12-16-2017 07:39 by markf Comments (0)  

   messageicon The movie HOME ALONE would never work now. What kid is going to look up from his smartphone after 10 hours and realize no one is around?
←Rate | 12-16-2017 07:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Do you ever duck your head when driving fast into an underground parking garage? I'm like that all the time.
←Rate | 12-16-2017 07:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon there a pack of wild dogs attacking my child, or are there peas touching his mashed potatoes? I can't tell.
←Rate | 12-16-2017 07:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Me, as a kid: This is stupid, we should get the whole week off. Me, as a parent: Why do the schools close on the day AFTER Thanksgiving too?
←Rate | 12-16-2017 07:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I have to explain to my husband WHY I am angry with him, then what's the point?
←Rate | 12-16-2017 08:08 Comments (0)  

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