Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Congratulations on becoming a homeowner! From now on, every noise you hear will cost you money.

   I talk a lot of crap for someone who still says "righty tighty lefty loosy" before turning anything

   Penguins mate for life but also have the highest rate of alcoholism among any animal.

   How much extra is it for the stripper to touch your heart?

   Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.

   When I was a kid I thought earwigs were bugs that came out of your ears. So you can imagine what I thought when I heard about co*kroaches

   Does it look like I know what a polygon is?

   You wake up from a coma only to realize everyone you love has abandoned you because they went through your phone while you were out.

   It’s funny to me when a cop says “you know why I pulled you over?” As if I’m gonna snitch myself out, or possibly get it wrong and end up with two charges

   I know I'm ugly and I got no right to ask but please..... Send nudes

   Bring donuts so your coworkers will like you. Cut them in half so they will hate you again.

   "Honk if anyone gets out of my trunk"

   If you want me to leave my house I need three days notice.

   Alcohol...because people annoy me but I'm also lonely

   Melania's wax figure was revealed, and placed next to donalds. Their figures looks so real that even the Melania wax figure refuses to hold donald's hand.

   I ran a half marathon once. (Actually that's just what I tell people. It sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died half-way through a Full Marathon.)

   When America was great, we were enemies with Russia. Just saying.

   Cosby is going to be meeting bubba and will really get some "pudding in his cloud"

   Ya'll ever be laying with somebody and try to breathe like them and almost die?

   So exactly what age will I stop falling over while trying to put on my underwear?