Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Mothers: Please don't tell your little girls "He's only being mean because he likes you." and then wonder why they grow up and marry assholes.
←Rate | 12-07-2017 07:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Medicated, caffeinated, irritated. Just give me my coffee, give me my computer, and leave me the hell alone.
←Rate | 12-07-2017 07:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Doctor - "how is your headache" Patient - "She is fine."
←Rate | 12-07-2017 08:03 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Men and women have different ways of cleaning a toilet. Women use bleach and rinse twice, Men just pee on poop stain as hard as they can.
←Rate | 12-07-2017 08:06 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If becoming "religious" has made you more judgmental, rude, harsh or a backbiter, you need to check again if you are worshiping God or your Ego
←Rate | 12-07-2017 08:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The only reason I am fat is because a tiny body couldn't store all this personality
←Rate | 12-07-2017 08:11 Comments (0)  


   messageicon LOL has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.
←Rate | 12-08-2017 04:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Music is much more enjoyable if you listen with your eyes shut. It is also more enjoyable if the people sitting near you would listen with their mouths shut
←Rate | 12-08-2017 04:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My Wife says I talk while I sleep..........but I'm skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it
←Rate | 12-08-2017 04:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I think Rudolph's wife was named Olive... Like in "Olive the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names."
←Rate | 12-08-2017 06:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I first met my wife she told me she was bi. I didn't realize until much later she meant polar.
←Rate | 12-08-2017 10:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer. That's all.
←Rate | 12-08-2017 11:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Want more people to leave you alone? Announce bid for political office. Walk like Frankenstein if necessary.
←Rate | 12-08-2017 13:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon This is 2017 -- we don't say Gingerbread Man, we say "light-skinned spicy gender-neutral person" bread now
←Rate | 12-08-2017 18:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I like salad best when it is simplified down to the most basic ingredients and smothered in hamburger
←Rate | 12-08-2017 20:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon More bad news for millenials - you do not get a trophy for parallel parking your car
←Rate | 12-08-2017 20:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Actually, I would probably do anything else but show up to a gunfight
←Rate | 12-08-2017 20:52 Comments (0)  


   messageicon panicked thinking -- did I leave the fireplace video running?
←Rate | 12-08-2017 21:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you say "holiyay" in front of me I'll stab you in the heart.
←Rate | 12-09-2017 04:03 Comments (0)  


   messageicon English teachers on Facebook must feel the same hopelessness as dentists do when they're at a candy shop
←Rate | 12-09-2017 04:28 Comments (0)  



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