Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Vodka is practically a health drink. That is if you call it potato juice.
←Rate | 12-02-2017 08:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Santa, have you been working out? It sure shows. By the way, I love the new work flow plan you've established for the elves. Very efficient!" - Rudolph the Brown Nose Reindeer
←Rate | 12-02-2017 09:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The next four weeks is going to be incredibly difficult for people whose grandmother's actually have been ran over by reindeer.
←Rate | 12-02-2017 11:01 by MDS Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know it's cold outside... when you step on dog poop and roll your ankle
←Rate | 12-02-2017 11:05 by Thereworker Comments (0)  

   messageicon I sent my family tree into They sent me back a packet of seeds and told me to start over. FML.
←Rate | 12-02-2017 12:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife is always complaining that I'm a slob by leaving clothes laying around. But that's only because she took up all the closet space.
←Rate | 12-02-2017 12:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife and I use the pull-out method for birth control ....we pull out our phones and ignore each other all night.
←Rate | 12-02-2017 16:02 by MDS Comments (0)  

   messageicon Gonna get two gold front teeth that says, "fried chicken"
←Rate | 12-02-2017 16:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
←Rate | 12-03-2017 02:10 by Beth Comments (0)  

   messageicon I can't wait for the next Women's March. Off a cliff...
←Rate | 12-03-2017 22:16 by IARU Comments (0)  

   messageicon Rosie O’Donnell Announced she would not be wearing Ivanka Trump clothing brand. Don’t worry Rosie. They don’t come in your size anyways.
←Rate | 12-03-2017 22:56 by Trump101 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Say what you want about Pee Wee Herman. At least hes one actor that actually kept his hands to himself.
←Rate | 12-03-2017 23:23 Comments (2)  

   messageicon I'm only 27 stomach flus away from my goal weight.
←Rate | 12-04-2017 11:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.
←Rate | 12-04-2017 12:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've been invited to a neighbour's house later for drinks with nibbles!...they treat that bloody cat like Royalty?
←Rate | 12-04-2017 15:11 by Trueman Comments (3)  

   messageicon Kennedy put a man on the moon, Obama put a man in the ladies room.
←Rate | 12-04-2017 20:56 Comments (3)  

   messageicon By useing earbuds it gave me alot of practice to un-tangling a string of Christmas lights
←Rate | 12-04-2017 21:17 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Everyone, get your time in the gym now before the end of the yr.. it gets packed for 2 months from those "New yr, New me" ppl... then they give up after 2 months
←Rate | 12-04-2017 22:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The population of the USA 323.1 million, CNN Fake News watchers 1.72 million. 99% stand with Trump, unless you’re an idiot.
←Rate | 12-04-2017 22:27 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I just put (3) Bit-coins in the car wash and got a 30K wash. :(
←Rate | 12-05-2017 00:50 by Rick Comments (0)  

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