Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I am fully prepared to replace Donald Trump with the guy who says dilly dilly in the beer commercials
←Rate | 11-29-2017 13:33 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I sleep with a gun under my bed, in case someone breaks in and decides to throw clay pigeons into the air.
←Rate | 11-29-2017 13:34 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon commercial: get one diamond for your best friend, and one for your true love me: why would my dog want a diamond
←Rate | 11-29-2017 13:38 Comments (1)  

   messageicon You look like the kind of person who replies to a meme with a meme
←Rate | 11-29-2017 13:39 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dog food is just regular food that you dropped on the floor
←Rate | 11-29-2017 13:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Supporters cheer Roy Moore as he runs naked through a mall, his genitals concealed by various amusingly phallic objects
←Rate | 11-29-2017 13:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Girlfriend: I’m could this have happened? Me: [flashback to ripping condom open with my teeth] ...I have no idea
←Rate | 11-29-2017 13:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you try to show me your family vacation photos I swear I'm going to report you to HR.
←Rate | 11-29-2017 13:56 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I need Google street view in real-time for better stalking...Sorry I mean bird watching.
←Rate | 11-29-2017 13:57 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon This quilt would get done a lot faster if the guy behind me would stop beeping his horn
←Rate | 11-29-2017 13:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon As long as you yell "DODGEBALL" you're allowed to throw anything at anyone at anytime.
←Rate | 11-29-2017 14:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Many women don't know this, but an ugly guy asking you out ISN'T considered sexual harassment. Just saying...
←Rate | 11-29-2017 14:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You seem like the kind of person who pickles things in their free time.
←Rate | 11-29-2017 14:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wonder if Charles Manson ever got ashes on Ash Wednesday to cover up that swastika.
←Rate | 11-29-2017 14:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just got flipped-off from a guy in a Smart Car, he almost tipped over his car
←Rate | 11-29-2017 15:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon This is the greatest prank Ellen Degeneres has ever played on Matt Lauer
←Rate | 11-29-2017 18:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Man kneeling by the bed, Wife says,"What are you praying for? " Husband says: "Guidance. " Wife says, "Pray for stiffness, I'll guide the damn thing myself!"
←Rate | 11-30-2017 04:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've learnt one very interesting thing about money......It doesn't buy "CLASS" no matter how many millions of it you have got
←Rate | 11-30-2017 04:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Today's relationships, you can touch each other but not each others phones
←Rate | 11-30-2017 04:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Its not a great idea to walk into a pharmacy, grab a box of condoms and ask "where is the fitting room?"
←Rate | 11-30-2017 08:15 by SEAN Comments (1)  

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