Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |   Oldest   |   Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump


Search Messages:
Page: 5658 of 5663

   messageicon breaking news... sorry folks, christmas has been cancelled due to santa being fired for asking a girl if she had been naughty or nice...
←Rate | 11-29-2017 10:33 by bdog Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't think I can name one unemployed coal miner who has gotten a job in the last 10 months.
←Rate | 11-29-2017 11:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon christmas has been cancelled this year due to santa being fired for inappropriate behavior by asking a girl if she had been naughty or nice...
←Rate | 11-29-2017 12:24 by bdog Comments (0)  


   messageicon So I was right! - I tell my wife about buying the genetically modified turkey as I eat the 5th turkey leg
←Rate | 11-29-2017 12:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The punisher is like every other Marvel Tv show on Netflix. Could have done everything in 2 episodes but decided to add 8 more unnecessary ones.
←Rate | 11-29-2017 13:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Teach your children about rejection by getting them a cat
←Rate | 11-29-2017 13:30 Comments (1)  


   messageicon I am fully prepared to replace Donald Trump with the guy who says dilly dilly in the beer commercials
←Rate | 11-29-2017 13:33 Comments (1)  


   messageicon I sleep with a gun under my bed, in case someone breaks in and decides to throw clay pigeons into the air.
←Rate | 11-29-2017 13:34 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon commercial: get one diamond for your best friend, and one for your true love me: why would my dog want a diamond
←Rate | 11-29-2017 13:38 Comments (1)  


   messageicon You look like the kind of person who replies to a meme with a meme
←Rate | 11-29-2017 13:39 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dog food is just regular food that you dropped on the floor
←Rate | 11-29-2017 13:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Supporters cheer Roy Moore as he runs naked through a mall, his genitals concealed by various amusingly phallic objects
←Rate | 11-29-2017 13:40 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Girlfriend: I’m pregnant...how could this have happened? Me: [flashback to ripping condom open with my teeth] ...I have no idea
←Rate | 11-29-2017 13:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you try to show me your family vacation photos I swear I'm going to report you to HR.
←Rate | 11-29-2017 13:56 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I need Google street view in real-time for better stalking...Sorry I mean bird watching.
←Rate | 11-29-2017 13:57 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon This quilt would get done a lot faster if the guy behind me would stop beeping his horn
←Rate | 11-29-2017 13:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon As long as you yell "DODGEBALL" you're allowed to throw anything at anyone at anytime.
←Rate | 11-29-2017 14:00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Many women don't know this, but an ugly guy asking you out ISN'T considered sexual harassment. Just saying...
←Rate | 11-29-2017 14:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You seem like the kind of person who pickles things in their free time.
←Rate | 11-29-2017 14:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wonder if Charles Manson ever got ashes on Ash Wednesday to cover up that swastika.
←Rate | 11-29-2017 14:29 Comments (0)  



Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Name:
Status Message:

... characters left