Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon My Wife says I talk while I sleep..........but I'm skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it
←Rate | 12-08-2017 04:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think Rudolph's wife was named Olive... Like in "Olive the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names."
←Rate | 12-08-2017 06:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I first met my wife she told me she was bi. I didn't realize until much later she meant polar.
←Rate | 12-08-2017 10:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer. That's all.
←Rate | 12-08-2017 11:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Want more people to leave you alone? Announce bid for political office. Walk like Frankenstein if necessary.
←Rate | 12-08-2017 13:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon This is 2017 -- we don't say Gingerbread Man, we say "light-skinned spicy gender-neutral person" bread now
←Rate | 12-08-2017 18:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I like salad best when it is simplified down to the most basic ingredients and smothered in hamburger
←Rate | 12-08-2017 20:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon More bad news for millenials - you do not get a trophy for parallel parking your car
←Rate | 12-08-2017 20:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Actually, I would probably do anything else but show up to a gunfight
←Rate | 12-08-2017 20:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon panicked thinking -- did I leave the fireplace video running?
←Rate | 12-08-2017 21:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you say "holiyay" in front of me I'll stab you in the heart.
←Rate | 12-09-2017 04:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon English teachers on Facebook must feel the same hopelessness as dentists do when they're at a candy shop
←Rate | 12-09-2017 04:28 Comments (1)  

   messageicon "I've lost my contacts" is the new "I've got a new phone."
←Rate | 12-09-2017 04:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Do you realize that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes." and a guy's " I'll be home in five minutes." are exactly the same ?
←Rate | 12-09-2017 04:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The fatter the chick, the bigger the psycho.
←Rate | 12-09-2017 07:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Christmas trees are like boobs...the fake ones are nice to look at... But the real ones are so much better
←Rate | 12-09-2017 08:36 by UncleBubba Comments (0)  

   messageicon What ever kind of medicine Nancy Pelosi is taking doesn't seem to be working.
←Rate | 12-09-2017 08:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I love how coffee fixes everything. Tired? Drink some coffee. Headache? Drink coffee. Cold? Drink coffee. Someone makes your angry? Bust them in the head with a hot cup of coffee!
←Rate | 12-09-2017 10:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Have you ever read a book or watched a movie that touched your soul so deeply it changed your entire outlook on life? I just took a dump like that….
←Rate | 12-09-2017 11:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon God is love, but Lucifer does that thing with his tongue.
←Rate | 12-09-2017 14:26 Comments (0)  

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