Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries.
←Rate | 12-07-2009 19:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
←Rate | 12-07-2009 19:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
←Rate | 12-07-2009 19:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
←Rate | 12-07-2009 19:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
←Rate | 12-07-2009 19:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths
←Rate | 12-07-2009 19:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon passed a homeless guy on the way to the Coinstar machine today. "Sorry, I have no change" was that awkward.....
←Rate | 12-07-2009 19:21 by Pineapple Comments (0)  

   messageicon Either my memory is getting shorter or the commercials are getting longer. Either way,by the time the shows back on,i've forgotten what I was watching!
←Rate | 12-07-2009 18:49 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? Sexual harassment. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? $2.50 a minute.
←Rate | 12-07-2009 17:51 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets
←Rate | 12-07-2009 14:35 by Snypa Comments (0)  

   messageicon I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark
←Rate | 12-07-2009 13:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Where is the “good” in goodbye?
←Rate | 12-07-2009 13:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If your gonna be two faced at least make one of em pretty!
←Rate | 12-07-2009 13:34 by zee Comments (0)  

   messageicon With fame I become more and more stupid, which of course is a very common phenomenon.
←Rate | 12-07-2009 13:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My smoking might be bothering you, but it's killing me.
←Rate | 12-07-2009 13:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Nicotine patches are great. Stick one over each eye and you can't find your cigarettes
←Rate | 12-07-2009 13:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Life without friends is like boobs without nipples( )( ), just pointless!
←Rate | 12-07-2009 12:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why don't the blind go skydiving? Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
←Rate | 12-07-2009 12:09 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon quit critiquing dumb ass, it is a joke.
←Rate | 12-07-2009 11:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon whats an old man smell like?..... Depends
←Rate | 12-07-2009 10:33 by Kingtut Comments (0)  

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