Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I told you people that Russia was up to no good. But nooooooo, you people wanted to be friends with them for some strange, idiotic reason.

   How can one know what someone is doing when that someone does not know what they're doing

   Homophobia is the fear of someone getting laid the way you would not like them to.

   Sometimes I sit down and wonder what kind of life i’d be living if my parents were really rich.

   Welcome to Assumption club I think we all know why we're here...

   Interrsting Fact: If Hillary owned a building which caught on fire and killed a man, because there were no sprinkler systems in the building, people here would go through the roof.

   The way the CNN channel distorts the news they should change their name to Cannot be NEWS :)

   Sex with me is like riding a bike. You never forget it and if you’re doing it you probably don’t have a car, a job, or any dignity.

   I panicked when they asked me to come up with a cool and sexy stripper name. So if you head over to the strip club, ask for Deborah.

   There's a woman on my train whispering her texts as she types them and now we all know that kevin might have herpes.

   When we were kids my sister played with dolls and I played with soldiers. Now it's the other way round.

   Woman aks pharmacy clerk if they sold extra large comdoms. Clerk said yes, would like a pack? No she replied. But I'd like to wait here untill someone does.

   A study says we only use 12% of our brain. Just think how intelligent we would be if we used the other 70%.

   Shout out to pizza and sunglasses for being the only thing left to be sold out of huts.

   Does refusing to go to the gym count as resistance training?

   After the US, UK, and France's attack on Syria, I propose a name change to the capital city from Damascus to DamnAssKicked.

   Me: [looking thru fridge] there's nothing to eat in here Mortician: I know right

   In your face Putin. Right in your stupid face. Go Trump!! Show Putin who the real boss is.

   I spend 95% of the time out of bed wishing I was back in bed

   My wife is an animal in bed, a sloth..