Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |   Oldest   |   Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump

Search Messages:
Page: 5649 of 5657

   messageicon Gotta give credit where credit is due. Canada really schooled us in the UFC fight.
←Rate | 11-05-2017 00:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Turn your clocks back to before Obama became president
←Rate | 11-05-2017 05:15 Comments (1)  

   messageicon The queen honey bee has up to 40 sexual partners a day, just like your ex.
←Rate | 11-05-2017 06:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My neighbor obviously doesn't watch porn. She called me over here an hour ago to fix her sink and I'm still fixing the sink.
←Rate | 11-05-2017 06:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Only had to turn my clock back one hour instead of 20 years like I did last January
←Rate | 11-05-2017 07:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "I'm sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” ~ Angus Young of AC/DC
←Rate | 11-05-2017 07:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon No one is giving you free airline tickets, a week at Disney, a cruise or a cabin in the woods for a year. If you want those things, put down your GD phone, tablet or computer and get off your a$$ and earn them!!
←Rate | 11-05-2017 09:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Trump just told the prime minister of Japan why a country of samurai warriors did not shoot down the N. Korea missiles. This is better than any reality show, LOL!
←Rate | 11-05-2017 17:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm glad I grew up in an era where "active shooter" wasn't even an idea. I'm sad for today's youth where this is now a reality.
←Rate | 11-05-2017 21:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon ME: *putting two and two together* yep. it’s definitely four
←Rate | 11-06-2017 01:21 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Look at that! I'm too late, perfect timing.
←Rate | 11-06-2017 01:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'd wait in line to slap you for waiting in line for the new iPhone.
←Rate | 11-06-2017 01:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I see you in hell I'll still ignore you
←Rate | 11-06-2017 01:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
←Rate | 11-06-2017 01:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon So where am I supposed to put my rage when I’m driving?
←Rate | 11-06-2017 01:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon *takes a long drag from a cigarette *points at your baby What's wrong with your dog?
←Rate | 11-06-2017 01:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon No, I don’t want a sex robot. I have my wife for that.
←Rate | 11-06-2017 01:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I ate too much salad over the weekend so I'm going on an Oreo cleanse today.
←Rate | 11-06-2017 08:58 by djjackson Comments (0)  

   messageicon I gained an hour last weekend. I spent that hour figuring out how to change the clock in my car
←Rate | 11-06-2017 15:24 by FastPhil Comments (0)  

   messageicon Snapchat isn’t working. It’s the end of the world!
←Rate | 11-06-2017 18:01 by Broskino Comments (0)  

Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Status Message:

... characters left