Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Raise your hand if you have already spent your daylight savings?

   Knock knock. Who's there? FBI

   Just got back from Australia and realized I forgot to change the setting on my camera and now all my pictures are upside down.

   I do not want to go bungee jumping. I came in this world because rubber broke, I don't want you to go out the same way.

   Look what happened to Craigslist Casual Encounters! Now where are we supposed to go for sex with strangers and/or possible murderers?!

   Mark Zuckerberg is probably the last person we should trust, and I mean that both literally and alphabetically

   I just want to point out that you won't find one bed or bath at Bed Bath and Beyond so they better come up with something spectacular for that last part

   Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails.

   Friend just told me he installed his own hot water heater and I am envious. All this time I missed out on getting my hot water even hotter.

   If your post only says "I can't even" then I'm assuming the rest of it was meant to say "finish a complete sentence!"

   Daddy, when will our GP waiting time go down, now all the foreign doctors have gone home?

   I want my obituary to read: "She laid down the boogie and played that funky music till she died."

   i thought mark zukerberg was supposed to look like justin timberlake?

   The way Fox news channel distorts the news they should change their name to FAUX NEWS :)

   I'll never forget the thrill of that first kiss or the night I decided to keep someone else's Tupperware.

   Some days parenting's like The Sound of Music but with less singing and more hiding from the Nazis.

   Relationship status: Maybe it’s time I learn to crochet

   I stand by the unlikely threat I made when I thought you couldn’t hear me.

   I wish people who say 'thanks, but no thanks' would make up their mind on where they stand on gratitude.

   I’m tired of not having any plans to cancel.