Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon We all have a machine in our house that sets itself on fire when it gets cold and we're all ok with that!
←Rate | 01-02-2018 12:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon College football is important but a college education is importanter!
←Rate | 01-02-2018 13:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just had ice cream without sprinkles on top. Diets are so hard.
←Rate | 01-02-2018 16:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let's just keep it in the carton, ok?
←Rate | 01-02-2018 19:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Time to practice changing 7's into 8's
←Rate | 01-02-2018 19:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Lindsay Lohan bitten by snake while on vacation in Thailand" I can't get my head around how a snake can be that organized
←Rate | 01-02-2018 20:06 by markf Comments (0)  

   messageicon If we aren't supposed to be too close to the microwave then why do they show us food twirling around in there?
←Rate | 01-02-2018 20:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Pink grapefruit extreme close-up, you’re welcome.
←Rate | 01-03-2018 02:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just Love the gym this time of year. The new members make me look like an endurance freak
←Rate | 01-03-2018 04:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I dropped my KFC at the treadmill and now they are revoking my Gym membership, how unreasonable
←Rate | 01-03-2018 04:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I love finding money in my clothes after wash…..its like a gift from me
←Rate | 01-03-2018 04:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A bad attitude is like a flat tire. You can’t go anywhere until you change it.
←Rate | 01-03-2018 05:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The people that are trying to make the world worse never take a day off, why should I? Light up the darkness.
←Rate | 01-03-2018 05:54 Comments (1)  

   messageicon When you have more than what you need, build a longer table, not a higher fence.
←Rate | 01-03-2018 05:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm not ignoring your call, I just get so excited when I see the caller ID I faint!
←Rate | 01-03-2018 12:41 by JohnY Comments (0)  

   messageicon One good thing about this winter snow storm, is it makes my lawn look as good as my neighbors.
←Rate | 01-03-2018 14:12 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

   messageicon It was so cold today, I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.
←Rate | 01-03-2018 21:21 by Gil Comments (0)  

   messageicon What a beautiful country, shame about all the Libtards.
←Rate | 01-04-2018 01:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You'll never be the man your mother is.
←Rate | 01-04-2018 01:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Eat chocolate pudding all the time, everywhere you go. Use chopsticks and a diaper as a bowl.
←Rate | 01-04-2018 01:27 Comments (0)  

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