Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |   Oldest   |   Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump

Search Messages:
Page: 5646 of 5811

   messageicon Something seems ironic about Macy's 249th "1 Day Sale"
←Rate | 11-07-2017 12:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Pumpkin Spice eyeliner? Have we gone too far?
←Rate | 11-07-2017 12:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Genesis 3:16 To the woman he said, “I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children. Your desire shall be contrary to your husband, but he shall rule over you.”
←Rate | 11-07-2017 20:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m not saying I failed as a parent, I’m just saying my son closes the cereal box without rolling up the bag.
←Rate | 11-07-2017 21:11 by Andrewjackson Comments (0)  

   messageicon Disrespectful parents letting their kids run around screaming. Can't I just have a nice quiet meal at Chuck E Cheese?
←Rate | 11-07-2017 21:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know the road is in bad shape when you drive to the grocery store and your fitbit registers 1,000 steps.
←Rate | 11-08-2017 18:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A new commandment. Blessed are they who can just read it and move on.
←Rate | 11-08-2017 21:26 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

   messageicon since twitter doubled the length of tweets, does that mean now I double the name? I'm gonna go post a tweet tweet
←Rate | 11-08-2017 23:33 by Eddy Comments (0)  

   messageicon Irresponsible is when your neighbor doesn't pay their wifi bill.
←Rate | 11-09-2017 06:56 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon With Christmas just around the corner, it's important to remember to never trust electronics buying advice from people who have Beats headphones.
←Rate | 11-09-2017 09:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon So Donald duck never wore pants, but when he gets out of the shower he puts a towel around his waist. What's up with that?
←Rate | 11-09-2017 10:55 Comments (2)  

   messageicon No matter what side of the aisle you lean towards or sit on, this tax plan is a soggy turdburger.
←Rate | 11-09-2017 11:14 by JohnY Comments (0)  

   messageicon Public Restrooms attract the weirdest people. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet.
←Rate | 11-09-2017 14:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon They say that laughter is the best medicine. But if you're laughing for no reason, you need medicien.
←Rate | 11-09-2017 16:48 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why is it when I misplace my cell phone it set on silent
←Rate | 11-09-2017 21:39 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think my new Stress Management plan is going to be alcoholism.
←Rate | 11-10-2017 00:22 by psycho Comments (0)  

   messageicon [creating humans] God: They need oxygen to live Assistant: Boring God: They can climax sexually if their oxygen supply is low A: Nice, nice
←Rate | 11-10-2017 00:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Bring a side? Like, of alcohol?
←Rate | 11-10-2017 00:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon No, I don't want to hold your baby. It looks sticky.
←Rate | 11-10-2017 00:30 by psycho Comments (0)  

   messageicon Making good decisions doesn’t really go with my outfit.
←Rate | 11-10-2017 00:31 Comments (0)  

Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Status Message:

... characters left