Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ever wake up, look in the mirror, and wonder why Courtney Love is in your bathroom?

   "It wasn’t me" - First rule of fart club

   I'm at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I'm usually fine with going home.

   You kiss the end, then seductively lick the length without breaking eye contact as you place it in your mouth. I love the way you eat bacon.

   If I can’t taste myself on your beard when your finished, then your not done licking.

   I’m wingin’ it so hard I might fly away.

   [during sex] Hey, thanks for doing this with me.

   Florida traffic is a confusing mix of NASCAR rejects and people old enough to have owned a Model T.

   Her: I don't get mad. I get even Me: sounds like you're still mad

   sometimes people come into your life and they need to stop doing that

   I haven't thought about murder enough lately.

   I lost money in the John Wayne toilet paper co. The T.P. was so ruff it wouldn't take sh*t off of anybody.

   ‪The first idiot to complain that it’s too hot this summer is getting hit with a 10lb. bag of ice!‬

   Daddy, all the Mexicans are gone, why haven't you got a job yet?

   You know you're broke when American Express calls you and says: "Leave home without it"

   a bisexual a person who pays for sex?

   How to strengthen your abs: 1. lie down and put your hands behind your head... Wow, what great position for a nap, better take a nap.

   If I could go back in time I would put cheese on a lot more things.

   A white lie is like a regular lie except it orders a grande, iced, sugar-free, vanilla latte, with soy milk from Starbucks.

   Don't make me go all shouty capitals on you ...