Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I cut my finger today while changing the spark plugs in my truck. I guess it is possible to get blood out of a tuneup.
←Rate | 10-27-2017 12:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "You sir, are a lactose-intolerant person with bee allergies." -Useful insult in the Land of Milk & Honey
←Rate | 10-27-2017 12:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When there's a new woman at the house, and the dog doesn't stick his nose in her crotch, then I pass too.
←Rate | 10-27-2017 15:08 by psycho Comments (0)  

   messageicon The problem with glitter is when you get it on you, you can't get it off. Ever. Glitter is the Herpes of craft supplies.
←Rate | 10-27-2017 17:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Mueller, what the hell!?!?
←Rate | 10-28-2017 03:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There are two types of people in the world. Please stay away from both of them.
←Rate | 10-28-2017 07:20 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon *accidentally skips the bottom step of the stairs* Oh my God. This must be what a sky diver’s rush feels like.
←Rate | 10-28-2017 08:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know things are bad when George Dubya tells his Dad to stop embarassing the family!
←Rate | 10-28-2017 10:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon “Forgive me Father for I have sinned” and “Sorry Daddy I’ve been bad” both mean very similar things, but have wildly different connotations
←Rate | 10-28-2017 10:42 by DaPongLenis Comments (0)  

   messageicon Failure is not an option. It comes bundled as part of the package.
←Rate | 10-28-2017 12:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon anyone else heading out tonight for a game of "Halloween Costume or Whore?"
←Rate | 10-28-2017 12:54 by JohnY Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's always awkward when you scan your neighbors house and lock eyes with another set of binoculars.
←Rate | 10-28-2017 17:50 by unknowncomic Comments (0)  

   messageicon Social media is perfect when you're feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
←Rate | 10-28-2017 17:52 by huck Comments (0)  

   messageicon Can anyone recommend a good book to tell people I'm reading?
←Rate | 10-28-2017 18:02 by flinnie Comments (2)  

   messageicon Remember before hand sanitizer & antibacterial soap when we slammed our faces into a slobber-filled bucket of water trying to get an apple?
←Rate | 10-28-2017 18:52 by andrewjackson Comments (0)  

   messageicon If kids are so wonderful why do you have to pay people to watch them?
←Rate | 10-28-2017 18:55 by unknowncomic Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Anybody can throw a slant" except maybe University of Florida
←Rate | 10-28-2017 22:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
←Rate | 10-29-2017 01:37 by JAKE Comments (0)  

   messageicon Began training today for my new career in mixed martial arts and crafts. B
←Rate | 10-29-2017 05:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I am in a bloodsucking relationship with survival.
←Rate | 10-29-2017 07:58 Comments (0)  

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