Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Why, when you suddenly start coughing your head off, do people say "Are you alright?" Hell no I'm not alright! If I was, I wouldn't be coughing like this. Duh.
←Rate | 12-12-2017 06:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Russia’s been barred from the 2018 Winter Olympics. No word yet on whether they’ll be barred from the 2018 U.S. elections.
←Rate | 12-12-2017 07:00 Comments (1)  

   messageicon If one of Santa Claus's helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?
←Rate | 12-12-2017 07:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My Smart Phone has more computing power than NASA did in 1969 and they went to the moon. All I do is play Pokemon. Yes, I'm an underachiever.
←Rate | 12-12-2017 07:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Apparently "whiskey and wild women" is not an acceptable answer when asked what your weaknesses are during a job interview.
←Rate | 12-12-2017 07:22 by Andrewjackson Comments (0)  

   messageicon Some relationships are like birthday cakes...Once the 'cake' has been eaten the party is over
←Rate | 12-13-2017 04:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sorry if my phone keeps calling you, it's voice activated. I'm at the mall and everytime santa says Ho, Ho, Ho, it dials your number
←Rate | 12-13-2017 04:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I can't wait for Amazon's new Blackmail service, where you hush money for that thing Alexa overheard
←Rate | 12-13-2017 09:34 by markf Comments (0)  

   messageicon Getting Christmas gifts for my kids gets harder as they get older, mostly because I can't remember where I hid them.
←Rate | 12-13-2017 09:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Would you like to donate $1 to this charity or leave the checkout line feeling like human scum?
←Rate | 12-13-2017 09:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon the key to good parenting a small boy is making him realize he doesn't have to shout because you are literally right next to him
←Rate | 12-13-2017 09:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A friend of mine asked what it's like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
←Rate | 12-13-2017 09:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Based on my calculations, DIRECTV is gonna be short $4,294,619.62 next year with all these loyalty gifts they're giving away!
←Rate | 12-13-2017 14:16 by Scooter Comments (0)  

   messageicon Apparently NPR and PBS are filled with sexual perverts. God, I hope Cookie Monster is not involved
←Rate | 12-13-2017 22:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I stubbed my toe on a chair and became Kanye west for two minutes
←Rate | 12-14-2017 05:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If your boyfriend remembers your eye colour after the first date, then you probably have small B**Bs
←Rate | 12-14-2017 05:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate it when people are at your house and ask, “Hey do you have a bathroom?” Nooooo not at all, we all dump in the yard
←Rate | 12-14-2017 05:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A touching letter by a little girl to Santa on Christmas: Dear Santa, Please give clothes to all those poor ladies in daddy's laptop
←Rate | 12-14-2017 05:03 Comments (1)  

   messageicon A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
←Rate | 12-14-2017 05:42 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ladies, if you wait until your 30s to donate your eggs, they'll tell you no and that you'll have to find another way to finance your kitchen remodeling project.
←Rate | 12-14-2017 08:33 Comments (0)  

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