Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon If I wanted human interaction i'd take my headphones off during this date.
←Rate | 10-25-2017 15:06 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I get all the cardio I need by digging my own grave.
←Rate | 10-25-2017 15:54 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If a US citizen lies to Congress, it's 20 years in federal prison, but if a US Congressperson lies to citizens, it's another 2 years in office
←Rate | 10-25-2017 16:28 Comments (1)  

   messageicon RIP Fats Dominoe. Even though I thought you died like 20 years ago it still hurts. Ain’t That a Shame”?
←Rate | 10-25-2017 22:20 by Cicci Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes I think I'm the reason God found a need for Guardian Angels. You're welcome.
←Rate | 10-26-2017 08:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A man came knocking on the door the other day asking for donations to the Old Folks Home. So I gave him grandma.
←Rate | 10-26-2017 12:40 by Barber Comments (0)  

   messageicon My stripper name is... Get off the pole, ma'am, this is Home Depot.
←Rate | 10-26-2017 15:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My kids must be so confused about what an adult is.
←Rate | 10-26-2017 15:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon An ugly dude asking you out is NOT sexual harassment.
←Rate | 10-26-2017 18:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I feel sorry for the last man on earth. A lot of women really hate that guy.
←Rate | 10-26-2017 22:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread
←Rate | 10-26-2017 22:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I started the month eating candy every day to get ready for Halloween
←Rate | 10-26-2017 22:31 by markf Comments (0)  

   messageicon Good thing I got a college degree I think as I put away the kid toys for the 49 billionth time
←Rate | 10-26-2017 22:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I bet it's really hard for people on Botox to give others a disapproving scowl.
←Rate | 10-26-2017 22:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon IoT warning: my refrigerator just whispered to me my life would be better if I switch to satellite TV
←Rate | 10-26-2017 22:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The grocery store has 2 new aisles filled with "Halloween Candy" but it sure looks like the same candy they sell all year.
←Rate | 10-26-2017 22:46 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Son, asking for help with his homework: where do I find the lowest common denominator? Me: We look on Twitter.
←Rate | 10-26-2017 22:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why is it the people who say they thrive on chaos seem to be the ones causing it?
←Rate | 10-26-2017 22:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Yeah tell me again that life is too short when you are on that 8-hr drive in a car full of kids at Thanksgiving
←Rate | 10-26-2017 23:07 Comments (2)  

   messageicon My anger management class can kick your anger management class’s ass.
←Rate | 10-27-2017 05:40 Comments (1)  

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