Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Jeff Flake voted against disaster relief for Hurricane Katrina. And the guy hates Trump. Now that's saying something.
←Rate | 10-25-2017 01:17 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Please pray for all the people at my last job. They're fine but they still work there
←Rate | 10-25-2017 02:25 by Kisstopher707 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I graduated at the top of my anger management class
←Rate | 10-25-2017 02:52 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon As a trick this halloween I'm giving out caramel onions as treats.
←Rate | 10-25-2017 03:42 by TheJokester Comments (0)  

   messageicon Her: [seductively removes dress] I want you to rub me down there *points Me: [removes joint pain cream from cargo shorts] Is it knee pain?
←Rate | 10-25-2017 04:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Daffy Definition #348 Iditarod: Monica Lewinsky's autobiography.
←Rate | 10-25-2017 10:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Who needs a TV reality show when you have the GOP civil war to look forward to?
←Rate | 10-25-2017 11:35 Comments (3)  

   messageicon If I wanted human interaction i'd take my headphones off during this date.
←Rate | 10-25-2017 15:06 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I get all the cardio I need by digging my own grave.
←Rate | 10-25-2017 15:54 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If a US citizen lies to Congress, it's 20 years in federal prison, but if a US Congressperson lies to citizens, it's another 2 years in office
←Rate | 10-25-2017 16:28 Comments (2)  

   messageicon RIP Fats Dominoe. Even though I thought you died like 20 years ago it still hurts. Ain’t That a Shame”?
←Rate | 10-25-2017 22:20 by Cicci Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes I think I'm the reason God found a need for Guardian Angels. You're welcome.
←Rate | 10-26-2017 08:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A man came knocking on the door the other day asking for donations to the Old Folks Home. So I gave him grandma.
←Rate | 10-26-2017 12:40 by Barber Comments (0)  

   messageicon My stripper name is... Get off the pole, ma'am, this is Home Depot.
←Rate | 10-26-2017 15:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My kids must be so confused about what an adult is.
←Rate | 10-26-2017 15:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon An ugly dude asking you out is NOT sexual harassment.
←Rate | 10-26-2017 18:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I feel sorry for the last man on earth. A lot of women really hate that guy.
←Rate | 10-26-2017 22:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread
←Rate | 10-26-2017 22:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I started the month eating candy every day to get ready for Halloween
←Rate | 10-26-2017 22:31 by markf Comments (0)  

   messageicon Good thing I got a college degree I think as I put away the kid toys for the 49 billionth time
←Rate | 10-26-2017 22:34 Comments (0)  

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