Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon To find your cool robot name, take the first 16 digits of your credit card & combine it with the expiration date and security code. What's yours?
←Rate | 11-01-2017 09:01 by Barber Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm not saying she's bipolar, but for nearly two hours I thought her mood ring was a strobe light.
←Rate | 11-01-2017 13:49 by MDS Comments (0)  

   messageicon How's everyone holding up? It was crazy last night. I must have killed like fifteen zombies. But I still don't understand why they were all carrying bags of candy.
←Rate | 11-01-2017 14:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My mother-in-law sent me the link to the site where you can buy a boarding pass to Mars. She even offered to pay for the ticket. That's so sweet of her.
←Rate | 11-01-2017 16:14 by FastPhil Comments (0)  

   messageicon So, did he or did he not call the US justice system a disgrace? I'm so confused.
←Rate | 11-01-2017 22:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon For an 84 year old Chuck Grassley sure can exit a room quickly.
←Rate | 11-02-2017 00:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Harvey Weintain has just offered to confort anybody after the gane
←Rate | 11-02-2017 00:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Damn! Sarah Sanders is fat! What a whale!
←Rate | 11-02-2017 00:21 Comments (1)  

   messageicon So a team part of a red state wins the World Series? Interesting.
←Rate | 11-02-2017 00:33 by Cardi’shusband Comments (0)  

   messageicon Every time I try dating I get a new sister.
←Rate | 11-02-2017 00:46 by Kisstopher707 Comments (1)  

   messageicon The Astros are world series champs. And Dodgers dodge having to go to white house. So who's the real winner.
←Rate | 11-02-2017 00:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you make eye contact with yourself while brushing your teeth in the mirror you have to swallow.
←Rate | 11-02-2017 01:30 by psycho Comments (0)  

   messageicon Pumpkin for sale! [slightly used]
←Rate | 11-02-2017 02:01 by Trueman Comments (0)  

   messageicon Harvey Weinstein has invited all the disappointed teenage Dodger fans to his home for jello shots and back rubs.....
←Rate | 11-02-2017 02:13 by bigdaddy Comments (0)  

   messageicon So the Houston Astros beat the Los Angeles Dodgers to win the World Series. Sort of reminds me fondly of last year's presidential election. (Red State beats Blue State).
←Rate | 11-02-2017 08:26 Comments (4)  

   messageicon A woman started choking in the lineup at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
←Rate | 11-02-2017 10:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Trump: " I prefer Coca-Cola " MSNBC: " Trump declares war on the whole Pepsi generation "
←Rate | 11-02-2017 12:14 Comments (2)  

   messageicon Just think, without microwave ovens, we couldn't drink 50 degree hot chocolate from a 500 degree mug!
←Rate | 11-02-2017 12:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon will someone please tell Sarah Sanders to NOT wear false eyelashes! Her eyebrows are WAY TOO MOBILE TO ACCOMODATE THEM FALSIES!
←Rate | 11-02-2017 14:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife just complimented me on my Alligator shoes. Problem is....I'm not wearing any shoes.
←Rate | 11-02-2017 16:51 Comments (0)  

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