Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Facebook requires 8 character complex password for what? The bank only wants a 4-digit number to remove all my cash.
←Rate | 10-18-2017 12:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Holding off getting ready because it's not nearly the last minute yet.
←Rate | 10-18-2017 13:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I often get a "yes" from women...but it's usually followed by..."that's him officer"
←Rate | 10-19-2017 10:17 by Trueman Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ladies, if three or more guys have called you crazy, you're crazy...
←Rate | 10-19-2017 14:01 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Dating site for pyromaniacs:
←Rate | 10-19-2017 19:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon In an attempt to eat healthier I started buying Coke and Cheetos at Trader Joe's.
←Rate | 10-19-2017 19:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hardest part about watching "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" at this point is realizing I am one of the wah-wah-wah adults
←Rate | 10-19-2017 23:42 Comments (4)  

   messageicon Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to a 7 yr old silently standing in the bed over me at 5AM
←Rate | 10-19-2017 23:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I like to yell "Don't Forget!" to people as I am leaving so they panic over nothing
←Rate | 10-20-2017 00:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Are you supposed to sound like one of your parents when you sneeze?
←Rate | 10-20-2017 02:04 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Dear Maytag: Why don't your clothes dryers have a "Fold" cycle? It's 2017 for Chrissake. -Me
←Rate | 10-21-2017 09:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don’t forget to ridicule, crush, and then kill what you don’t understand today.
←Rate | 10-21-2017 11:33 Comments (4)  

   messageicon Was having an argument with my wife. Just as I was about to win the argument, my alarm clock went off.
←Rate | 10-21-2017 17:29 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Tanya Harding was taking a knee before it was cool.
←Rate | 10-22-2017 06:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Relationship status: Would get in the van
←Rate | 10-22-2017 06:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The fatter the man, the more Hawaiian the shirt.
←Rate | 10-22-2017 06:06 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Watching this generation repeating nightmares from the past.
←Rate | 10-22-2017 06:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The first rule of Might Club is maybe.
←Rate | 10-22-2017 06:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon “You should finger her more often,” is the full extent of relationship advice I can offer.
←Rate | 10-22-2017 06:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon if you're going through hell stop and smell the flames
←Rate | 10-22-2017 06:17 Comments (0)  

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