Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In hell people take ALL of your tweets seriously

   As a country we should let our children lead us into the future. Mine just made a pop-tart sandwich.

   It's a good idea to test your immune system from time to time by eating a gas station hot dog

   Some people are training as complainers like it is a competitive sport

   Sleep more securely with a knife under your pillow in case someone breaks in the house with cake

   If you find a snake skin somewhere, it means the snake shed it to grow bigger. Same principle if you find candy wrappers in my trash

   Really close to my perfect target weight. All I need now is one more stomach flu

   We have a dog so my husband just installed an invisible fence ... I think

   This Frito-Lay truck has a sign on back saying DRIVER CARRIES NO CASH and joke's on them. I am not interested in cash.

   The next gen iPhone has new Pay By View so you just look at what you want and pay, and sorry but I just bought your car.

   Yeah ok a bug hit your windshield but did you ever think how this story is told among his family?

   Maybe I should start setting my alarm for 11:00 PM because that is the sound that makes me go to sleep

   I just downloaded the McDonald's app to my phone because I can't stand waiting for my food for 2 whole minutes

   Dancing in the 70's: I have absolutely no idea what I am pointing at

   I don't get women. My wife said she bought this lingerie for me, but then got boiling angry when I put it on.

   I guess I’ll take my Christmas tree down today.

   Looks like the first amendment is more powerful than the second.

   A sheep spends it's entire life fearing the wolf only to be eaten by the Shepherd.

   Fun Fact: The 2nd amendment is why we have the other 26 amendments

   A Pop Tart is really just a dessert Hot Pocket...