Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to a 7 yr old silently standing in the bed over me at 5AM
←Rate | 10-19-2017 23:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I like to yell "Don't Forget!" to people as I am leaving so they panic over nothing
←Rate | 10-20-2017 00:00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Are you supposed to sound like one of your parents when you sneeze?
←Rate | 10-20-2017 02:04 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Dear Maytag: Why don't your clothes dryers have a "Fold" cycle? It's 2017 for Chrissake. -Me
←Rate | 10-21-2017 09:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Don’t forget to ridicule, crush, and then kill what you don’t understand today.
←Rate | 10-21-2017 11:33 Comments (3)  


   messageicon Was having an argument with my wife. Just as I was about to win the argument, my alarm clock went off.
←Rate | 10-21-2017 17:29 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon Tanya Harding was taking a knee before it was cool.
←Rate | 10-22-2017 06:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Relationship status: Would get in the van
←Rate | 10-22-2017 06:03 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The fatter the man, the more Hawaiian the shirt.
←Rate | 10-22-2017 06:06 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Watching this generation repeating nightmares from the past.
←Rate | 10-22-2017 06:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The first rule of Might Club is maybe.
←Rate | 10-22-2017 06:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon “You should finger her more often,” is the full extent of relationship advice I can offer.
←Rate | 10-22-2017 06:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon if you're going through hell stop and smell the flames
←Rate | 10-22-2017 06:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon [Leaving the drive thru] Fries: Can’t you even wait until you get home? Stop that. I said stop! Noooo...
←Rate | 10-22-2017 06:18 Comments (9)  


   messageicon My coffee pot screamed my name this morning as it spurted its hot liquid inside the carafe.
←Rate | 10-22-2017 06:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sex so good you need the jaws of life to pry you apart.
←Rate | 10-22-2017 06:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What's next, more things?? That's how they get you
←Rate | 10-22-2017 08:11 by andrewjackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon The first step to causing drama is making sure you tell everyone you hate drama.
←Rate | 10-22-2017 08:20 by unknowncomic Comments (0)  


   messageicon My wife finally broke our dog begging at the table. She let him taste her cooking.
←Rate | 10-22-2017 15:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Instead of buying a mass produced pumpkin at the store, this year my family will adopt one from a shelter
←Rate | 10-22-2017 20:58 by markf Comments (1)  



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