Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facebook is the only place where it's normal to talk to a wall!

   "CARPE SCROTUM"..seize the day by the balls!!!

   if I throw water on you will you melt or multiply?

   Rarely does one meet a ferret owner that isn't really creepy and weird

   There's a new soft drink which contains Viagra instead of Caffeine. It's called mount-n-do.

   Recently lost a penny. If you've seen it, please FedEx it overnight to me. It was copper in color and had a picture of a dude's profile on it.

   "I have to cut down on my friends so I may have to delete some of you". you mean I don't have to read your 'ugh its Monday' or 'blah blah hump day' or 'tgif' posts anymore? Well, let me make a preemptive strike on that.

   I want a job in construction. I want to apply to be that guy who is never doing anything when you drive by slowly because they are merging lanes. this guy can usually be seen holding a cigarette and wearing his football teams logo on his hard hat

   there needs to be a new traffic light color. something like blue that means 'hey idiot, stop texting the lights about to turn Green'

   Stephen Hawking says there is no God. I guess that A-Hole has never eaten at the Cheesecake Factory

   Should we REALLY put labels on paint cans warning people that eating it could kill them? I mean, should we TRY to save anyone who would make a conscious decision to eat paint?

   not responsible for LMAO's that actually cause ur ass to fall off. Or LOL's that cause you being arrested 4 laughing too loud. Or people that are "dying laughing" I am not responsible for... funeral fees. With that being said. Enjoy my wall.

   Do you ever log on to Facebook just to spend 3 hours checking other people's profile just to see their recent activities?

   Aerodynamically the bumblebee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumblebee doesn't know that so it goes on flying anyway.

   's school bus was so short, they had to put two fat kids in the back to keep it from tipping forward.

   Uh oh! The first signs of Fall. Cool weather and falling leaves. Hurry! Jump into your nearest relationship, which will end at the first signs of Spring.

   Wondering why The Muppets have large protruding eyes. But then again, I realised that if I had a hand up my bum, my eyes would probably protrude too.

   When I grow up, I want t be a weather man so I can be wrong every day and STILL make the big bucks!

   ben rothlisberger's suspension reduced to 4 games ..he is going to celebrate tonioght at a sorority party!

   Doesn't get jealous when she sees her exes withe someone else, because her parents always told her to give her used toys to the less fortunate