Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   friend: you coming to the party tonight me: no i've got plans narrator: he had no plans

   I'm not leaving here without some kind of balloon.

   Please rephrase your question in the form of a compliment.

   How did human beings express empathy before the phrase "that sucks" was coined?

   Hold my jean jacket. Someone just insulted Savage Garden.

   I am very patient with people because I don’t interact with any.

   It is in everyone’s best interest to just keep scrolling

   I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.

   Weekends are for losers who can tell a difference from one day to the next.

   My phone rang so now I need to get a new one.

   Happier than a Goth Girl being carried off by a flock of ravens.

   If someone tells you you can’t do something, ignore them. That’s how people trick you into doing things.

   I just saw an elderly couple kissing passionately and I thought to myself, I want that... ...to stop immediately.

   I had to tell my kids Stormy Daniels was a scientist because our country is ridiculous.

   if the brown delivery truck is UPS,why doesnt FEDEX change their name to DOWNS since they are their opposing company?

   I wanted a Garcia why Vega but couldn't afford it so I rolled some tobacco in a piece of brown grocery bag paper. It was close, but no cigar.

   I may not be the richest guy in the world...or the smartest guy in the world...or the funniest guy in the world...or the best-looking guy in the world...or the ..... Aw hell, now I'm depressed...

   Hillary is now on reason #549 why she lost the election.

   It's so strange that whenever the News sources predict this months ago, the GOP and Russian sympathisers call it "Fake News". I'm starting to see a pattern

   I didn't fight in the Cold War just so we can be friends with Russia!