Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It’s so cute when recipes only say 1/4 cup of cheese. Bless their hearts.

   ☆ List of things that will Make America Great Again ☆ 1. Dinosaurs

   Thunderstruck just played at the gym and now I'm drunk on the treadmill...

   Stop all your crying about losing an hour of sleep from Daylight Savings Time. Business travelers experience it every single week...

   I didn't change my clocks because I decided to relive the past. There are so many things I'm going to do differently this time.

   In honor of Martin Shkreli going to prison, the price of lube has been marked up 5,000%.

   Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Except for imitation grape soda; real grapes have never quite gotten over that one.

   Why does everyone keep asking me how to change their clock? My Betamax has been blinking midnight since 1983...

   I think I lost an hour reading all the tweets about how people lost an hour this weekend

   Chicks from the hood make the best mixed drinks .... chick made me a apple ciroc & juicy juice & called it ''WIC ON THE BEACH !''

   If your wife asks you if you have plans for the day, there is a good chance your plans will soon be over-ruled by what she had planned or she wants to be part of your plan

   90% of women don’t like men in pink shirts. Ironically, 90% of men in pink shirts don’t like women

   I bet now Martin Shkreli wish he had that anti-parasite medicine

   My dad knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby, he said, 'Is this a joke?

   BREAKING NEWS: Two cars had an accident in Mexico. Nobody died due to the cars being Lexus with airbags both stolen from the Houston area.

   7-11 cashier: that will be $5.87. Me: ok 7-11 cashier: would you like a bag? Me: You got something good???

   I'm at the point of my life where if aliens come, they wont need to abduct me, I'll gladly go with them

   SCIENCE FACT: All the lost hours from Daylight Savings get added to Betty White’s lifespan.

   Questioning me about stupid things like why there’s a wine cork floating in the toilet is why I don't invite people to my house.

   How does one get suspended with full pay and benefits? Asking for a friend who is actually me.